icy

I used to be funny, why am I not funny anymore.

Oh right. I had my funny gland removed in an emergency humourectomy. Forgot about that.
They day I left the hospital they have me a walking stick to poke people and children with and a set of cue cards explaining how to look grumpy and vauguely unhappy in every social situation.




Plus the Grumpy Fucker Guidebook:

• There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up unwanted conversation



• The shins are the best target on children, they are usually already bruised so people wont notice the walking stick marks



• Always have a sharp implement at home, such as a sissors or sharp umbrella spike, so as to be able to quickly and easily pop any footballs that may be accidently kicked into your garden



• Always have the local police station on speedial, call whenever noise levels elevate above a quiet whisper



• Berate kissing couples, couples holding hands, lovers, or people who seem happy with each other. They usually never expect this and are an easy target. Plus it can really ruin their day. Perhaps they might even have a fight later and break up.



• Place spikes on your walls, garden shed and any other places birds may perch and wake you with their chirpy singing in the mornings. There is also an added bonus you may take some kids eye out



• Enact a queueing system for friends and relatives which desire to talk to or interact with you. Eventually this will drive them away and give you more time to sharpen those spikes and poison birds



• Puppies almost never expect to be kicked from behind



• Drive around the town at rush hour, just so you can blow your horn at motorists who try to cut in or disobey the rules of the road.



• Always complain loudly and as often as possible. After all, people who work in retail/customer service aren't really people at all. Plus they took these jobs, what do they expect?



• Get a part time job in a Video Shop just so you can scratch every romantic DVD just before the ending.

Ahh that's one entertaining read.

Warning: Ugly photo.

Illness begone. Bad food reactions aren't good. I think I'll get an allergy test thingy.

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Edit: My mind has been put at rest, that IS Kit on that Derren Brown advert on Channel 4. I thought I was going mad.
Woo a gorgeous SG and my favourite mind-messing show! Heaven.