In case you misread the title I shall repeat it: THE FLU FUCKING SUCKS! This shit is the sheer definition of miserable. Last weekend I woke up on Saturday and did not feel the best in the world. I had a little cough, had some sinus congestion, I figured either a little seasonal allergy thing or a cold, tis the season after all. I never once figured it was anything more because like a good little boy I had my annual flu shot so all should be well in the world. Sunday rolled around and I felt even worse, nausea had kicked in now and my appetite had gone to shit. Nothing edible sounded appealing and the coughing had gotten significantly worse. Monday hit and I was pretty sure at some point during the night I had died. To be sure I decided to go see the good ol Doctor and get an actual verdict.
The doctor comes in the room. She is wearing nothing but the standard rubber gloves. I describe my symptoms to which she states they are gonna run some tests for verification. She tells me they are testing for flu, strep and basically the whole damn spectrum of shit I might be infected with. She scrapes, swabs, and punctures until she has all her little samples and leaves the room. About five minutes later she arrives back, however instead of just rubber gloves she is now wearing a lab coat, elbow length gloves, a face mask and a face shield. I look at her and think, holy fuck, it is ebola! Why else would she be wearing a hasmat suit?! She proceeds to explain to me that I have the flu and it is too far along for tamiflu and I need a series of shots, antibiotics and antivirals. I happily accept all the offered drugs, anything to relieve this shit and leave the office.
Now, the true misery begins. The chest congestion is so bad that I can’t stop coughing, period. After a couple days of this incessant coughing my abdomen feels like I have done a thousand crunches. Extremely soar does not begin to describe it. It hurts to cough, sit up, or basically move. Sleep is out of the question. Even if there is a lull on the coughing, the wheezing is so loud that it keeps me from sleeping. I sound like Kyle’s cousin Kyle from South Park. It sounds like a friggen death rattle. A few days into this pleasure ride and the real stomach issues start. I am unsure if it is all the drugs I am taking or the flu itself, but leaving out the grisly details. I am now scared to cough for fear of an explosion. Heaven forbid a sneeze, the world may have come to an end. So now I am coughing, hacking, sneezing, crying, not sleeping and making trips to the bathroom every fifteen minutes.
Around day five I am starting to feel a bit better. I have eaten my first solid food in about a week. The coughing-shits have subsided and now just back to a cough. I cherish the little improvements. Sleep is getting better. I just strap on some headphones to drown out my own wheezing and I am able to fitfully get some rest. It is in between naps that I start getting bored. I had already watched The Witcher, Lost in Space season 1 and 2, The Watchmen, The Orville season 1 and 2, See season 1, and Preacher seasons 1-4. It is amazing how much TV you can watch when you can’t sleep. So, now I have become beyond bored, bored as fuck is a more accurate description. I also happened to notice that despite feeling like shit my dick did not seem to have a problem with the whole flu issue. I would have figured with all the meds I was taking around the clock that a boner would be the last item I would have to contend with. So, at random times during the day he would just pop up and let me know he was still around. On one such occasion I decided I decided to lend him a hand. Yes, pun intended. I even knew what motivational material I would like for the event. So I fired up the porno and started the process. I mean honestly, it had been a while since he had had a release. No one and I do mean NO ONE is getting near me let alone giving me any. Jacking off is just the right thing to do. So there I am, watching a large breasted woman do her thing in a tub while I pound away. It really does not take long and I feel the load getting close and just before I blow the most intense pain hits the back and right hand side of my head. It is excruciating! I just lay there with my eyes closed and wait for it to subside. It takes a few minutes and I am able to sit up. I notice that I did cum, and it was a ton, although the pleasure of it was completely lost. I sincerely did not know I had ejaculated. So, now I need to clean this up as well as gain my composure of what the fuck just happened.
After doing some research I find that the antibiotic I am on can trigger migraines, especially if the heart rate is elevated. Apparently jacking off to a large breasted lady in a tub is just what is needed to set a migraine off.
So, in conclusion. THE FLU FUCKING SUCKS! Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop coughing, the wheezing is insane. There is snot everywhere. My abs still fucking hurt. I have stopped shitting, honestly, there can’t be anything left. And top this whole shit show off I can’t even jack off without triggering a fucking migraine.
If you made it this far, thank you for your time. I am feeling better, not 100% but better. I am still on the antibiotic for four more days so no jacking off. Honestly, I don’t think I have had another erection since the migraine. My dick knows to chill out after the last one. This is the most miserable I have ever been with an illness and I have had spinal fusion. I would never wish this shit on my worst enemy. Well, maybe Brad, the twatwaffle. 😉
