i_poop_too_much

SHITBURGERS.

That's right, kittens, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade, but when life gives you nothing but shit....well, all you can make are shitburgers.

Darren nearly choked to death on his drink the first time I said "Shitburgers", I never knew it was so funny until that moment.

So the immediate concern....my grandmother (on my father's side) is in the hospital again and not doing well. My family called a friend of mine to try and get in touch with me, since I guess it's finally sinking in that "I have nothing more to say to you" doesn't mean "keep emailing and calling me". Not that he gave information, Tim is too respectful (aaaaaaand I haven't remembered to send him my new phone number anyway).

This is the grandmother I kinda like. The one I always took a detour during trips to Florida to see. I'd prefer to see her without having to deal with the rest of my family, but alas...I guess I'll have to. The calling card keeps my phone number a secret and not even *I* know my address, so it's of no concern-I'll be out of here by the end of the year anyway. No more goddamned excuses, I don't care if it's to be homeless-I've got to get out of here, and I'm not going to let anything delay me again.

I'll call them later today and keep it simple. I'll visit my grandmother next week on my off days and stay in a hotel. The trip/hotel costs will take a few hundred off my stashing, but hey....I should have known something would come up to cost me, I have extra income this month.

Hoping/expecting to shoot the music video(s) next month. I've lost contact with my lighting guy, so I'll either have to do it myself (yay, I know NOTHING of lighting!) or luck out and find someone (no matter the cost). It's been almost 2 years since it was agreed upon, almost a year since it was supposed to be done originally and about as long since I've had ALL the resources in place....but I'm still going to do it even if it wrecks me. I've long since given up on my dreams/ambitions in life, and doing this is going to cost me my job-but fuck it. It's a childhood dream and one of the biggest inspirations in my life, and there's always jobs. The job, the video-neither one is likely to lead to anything afterall, so I might as well go for what *I* want for a change. Counting on the future never worked and won't. I'll have my ONE accomplishment to hold up high and use to say "Hey, fuck you for trying to stop me-I still tried and won out anyway!"

Watched the XMen movies last night....comics whore I am, a foolish dreamer I am. Anna Paquin....that's the mildly irritating part of the films to me. Not her performance or character, of course, but the fact that it's like watching an exgirlfriend. There was a girl once, my senior year of high school-her name was....er, still IS....Sascha. Met her on a field trip to some function at a local college and exchanged email/IM information. All I knew at the time was that she was gorgeous (Anna Paquin is a CLONE of her, I swear), but it wound up being the first time I'd really WANTED someone. This was beyond "Hey, she's cool" or "Hotdamn, lookit those boobies!", or "Sure, why not."....this was desire. She was a geek! A REAL geek! I don't remember what our first conversations were about, but ohmy. Absolute Star Wars and comic book fanatic, we were both playing through Resident Evil:Nemesis at the time....hothotstuff. Sure, she had her faults-incredibly religious and unconfident. It would be almost 2 years of chase before I finally cornered her....a few months of irregular dating, she freaked out over leaving for college then decided to break things off and stay for her first crush...the one who refused to leave his girlfriend for her unless it was a purely sexual thing, but suddenly when he's single who's door does he come to first? Can't say I ever loved her, but I think it would rank as one of few crushes, and she would set all new standards for what I looked for in a mate. Anna Paquin looks exactly like her....but the crushing touch is the accent. Sascha was a timid country girl just the same.

In hindsight, things with Sascha shouldn't have progressed beyond our...*ahem* "encounter" in the mall parking lot (or perhaps visiting me at the office)...since it obviously didn't work and I passed up some GREAT opportunities for her. I guess this is an example of "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"-I know the pain of desire, but not of bittersweet victory?

The new living place is decent. No DSL, so I'm finding myself online far less than usual...I adopted a puppy, though, despite hating dogs. I stepped out to the porch to find a tiny terrier pup wandering around, bleeding tail/hind leg and so thin his ribs were showing. Timid, flinchy, but some cooked sausage and a bowl of fresh bottled water changed his outlook! Now he won't go away, but that's fine-he's very friendly, active, though he tries to kiss me too much. Trying to teach him to fetch, but I'd really like to teach him to sit or take a ridilin. REALLY hyper dog. He's been here for a few days, now, and it's hilarious that he's scared of cats. His tentative name is Snoops McKenzie. As soon as my digital camera comes back from Randy, I'll get pictures. (Randy, a friend/coworker, recently had a baby and I loaned him the camera since he is without. Well, no, HE didn't have the baby, but his wife did.)

Batman=comic geekery heaven.