i_poop_too_much

So....a brief version of my misadventure to Texas to shoot an interview and other(?) CDROM extras for Doug's new album....

Friend in Texas was to loan a DV cam since I'd long since sold mine (it wasn't getting much use; the projects never materialized; I couldn't get anything organized into happening; and if I spent time tinkering/learning the cam/computer, she bitched that I should be paying attention to her-then she'd bitch that I'm not doing anything with the expensive toys). Another cohort was to edit it together with me. There was brief talk of Ash&Dan loaning a vehicle, but unfortunately it suffered damage and I had to check into a rental car.

This SHOULD have been a simple two day operation.

Then the Austin resource disappeared, the editor "doesn't work on other people's projects anymore", ok...so, now I'm basically renting everything. Still on budget, I can do this with what little I have in the bank.

I call a place in Austin to reserve a camera and a bit of equipment. I couldn't find anywhere in LA or Houston that had what I needed, so a side trip to Austin (before heading to Houston to see Doug) became mandatory to get the equipment. The order is placed, debit card info given, equipment to be picked up Wednesday.

I found an editor who'd work cheap and take payment later. Doesn't even need to go on the budget, that'll get worried about next week.

Then today the rest of it hit-in addition to now having to rent the car AND the camera, Enterprise doesn't accept my debit card(my fault for not checking on that before hand) and I had to go to another car rental place and got charged 3 times the rate. Between this and the rental cost of the equipment, my remaining budget had to go to what would hopefully be enough gas.

I *should* have been in Austin by 1pm (should have been a 4 hour drive, finally got there at 4:30), but got totally lost twice on my way there (trying to take highway shortcuts that were under construction), stuck in two traffic jams, then couldn't find the camera rental place and got lost in Austin-and they closed at 5pm. I was charged for the camera rental whether I picked it up or not, so there was no way for me to have been able to afford another rental for Thursday anyway-I was already over budget and running on precious little physical money. I couldnt have afforded the double trip, another cam, and another day with the car. Couldn't have afforded even ONE of those.

I was going to simply do it anyway and put all the extra charges to my credit card, but I was absolutely irresponsible:the card had expired and I didn't know, so I had no access to backup funds. I should have double checked that card, but I hadn't taken it out to use it in months; it never even occured to me.

Doug asked if I could come by Thursday and do it then, but you see above why I had no means to do it.

As if letting him down and totally fucking up my ONE shot at ANY project-a lifelong dream project, no less-wasn't bad enough, he was totally calm on the phone. Couldn't tell if it was simply lack of concern about the project, or a discontention with me, or what. I expect him to be angry, and I think I'd prefer knowing that he IS angry than being left with a mystery-how much DID I upset Doug?

He still asked me to come to the house, at least let him get the gas tank filled so I could get home. I couldn't do it. I failed him, and then to show up and take from him? Couldn't do it. I don't think I could have looked him in the face. I've NEVER been so ashamed of myself. I guess I finally have an entry for "Most Humbling Moment". I don't know that I'll have the balls to try speaking to him at the next concert. Most people don't get to establish a relationship of any kind with thier idol, and here I was offered a slice of the creative pie...and I dropped it.

I barely made it home. I've blown the cash I'd finally be able to set aside, and for nothing. I fucked it up completely. I KNEW from the first mention last week that it'd be incredibly tough, next to impossible....but in true Kevin Fashion, I just HAD to try and keep it together anyway. I simply can't step back and watch something fall, I have to break myself trying to hold it together...and I always fail. I shouldn't have ever taken the offer. It'd have killed me to pass it up, and possibly end up passing up the video because of it; but I'd rather be passed up and forgotten than remembered as a total fuckup. I doubt seriously that the music video will happen now.

Should have been set up with everything long ago....before even finishing high school, I knew the futures I wanted had been royally fucked for me-why didn't I simply become a college educated ant like everyone else? I still wouldn't be happy, but I wouldn't have to keep failing myself. Classic Kevin, I tell you-keeps on swinging, like a maniac in a mosh pit.

Side story on mosh pits, I apparently broke my nose once:I suspect it was during a Godsmack concert in 99 or 2000, in the midst of the upfront pit, some big rude Marine motherfucker got TOO rowdy and punched me square in the face, and as we were swept apart by the crowds, the fists still flew. My nose was bloody and hurting afterwards, and hurt for weeks after. I never thought about that possibility.

I stand corrected. I do have reason to be happy:MollyMcLashes is a foolish girl who wants me to marry her. Molly has kept me daily company for a year and a half now, offering an insight and understanding unmatched even by Darren and Tim. I think she'll get her own entry soon.