I lay in the filthy bathtub for almost an hour.....I turned just the hot knob all the way over and let it run-emptied the water heater to ensure that I got only the most hot water.
3/4 laying....it occurs to me that while I've always been thin, recently I've lost a few pounds more than usual and it's enough to make a noticable skin difference.
Watch the floating hairs twitch against a heartbeat. Watch the bones rise as I try to breathe as shallowly as possible.
I pondered youthful invincibility fantasies.
I used to be able to meditate and focus myself to such a distant place that I could simply choose to erase portions of myself. A memory, a desire, etc. Catatonics are believed to process information as entirely-if not more entirely-than we do, they simply choose not to/are not able to respond/react. Is it like being trapped, screaming for an action and unable to have it happen, or is it more secondhand-like watching television? How to pass the time?
One of my favorite songs, "Beyond The Realms Of Death" (by Judas Priest, "Stained Class" album-download it!) is about a boy so alone and depressed that he puts himself into a catatonic state and one day realizes that he can simply choose to die-it's not revealed whether it's meant mentally or literally, but the point remains:If I could reach that plane again, and higher, I wonder if I could put myself into a catatonic state and finally be free of myself.
Unfortunately, most catatonics have a means of being cared for. I cannot break down, for I am my only resource.
When I rose from the watery pit of my own sheddings, I was-for the most part-bright pink and almost sweating. Hitting the cold air above water (heater doesnt work), my body began to steam. It was only more intriguing when I looked at recently shaven genitals to see them bright pink and steaming, swirling about itself. What imagery, the steaming meat; it surely says something about my libido that would have been apt at some previous point in time.
I wish I weren't so apprehensive about suicide. I wish I could stop wanting to believe in Karma. If I could kill that last tiny string of optimism that makes me curious about the next day.....
3/4 laying....it occurs to me that while I've always been thin, recently I've lost a few pounds more than usual and it's enough to make a noticable skin difference.
Watch the floating hairs twitch against a heartbeat. Watch the bones rise as I try to breathe as shallowly as possible.
I pondered youthful invincibility fantasies.
I used to be able to meditate and focus myself to such a distant place that I could simply choose to erase portions of myself. A memory, a desire, etc. Catatonics are believed to process information as entirely-if not more entirely-than we do, they simply choose not to/are not able to respond/react. Is it like being trapped, screaming for an action and unable to have it happen, or is it more secondhand-like watching television? How to pass the time?
One of my favorite songs, "Beyond The Realms Of Death" (by Judas Priest, "Stained Class" album-download it!) is about a boy so alone and depressed that he puts himself into a catatonic state and one day realizes that he can simply choose to die-it's not revealed whether it's meant mentally or literally, but the point remains:If I could reach that plane again, and higher, I wonder if I could put myself into a catatonic state and finally be free of myself.
Unfortunately, most catatonics have a means of being cared for. I cannot break down, for I am my only resource.
When I rose from the watery pit of my own sheddings, I was-for the most part-bright pink and almost sweating. Hitting the cold air above water (heater doesnt work), my body began to steam. It was only more intriguing when I looked at recently shaven genitals to see them bright pink and steaming, swirling about itself. What imagery, the steaming meat; it surely says something about my libido that would have been apt at some previous point in time.
I wish I weren't so apprehensive about suicide. I wish I could stop wanting to believe in Karma. If I could kill that last tiny string of optimism that makes me curious about the next day.....
mrshateyourself:
<3