I'm not expecting anyone to read this, or write to me, I've just decided that I need to start writing some shit down and get it out of my system. It's been a rather crappy 12 months really. It hasn't been 12 yet.. but I'm sure the crapness will continue for a little longer. Who knows, maybe I need to change my attitude about things and actually be positive or something. I don't fuckin know. Being a bitter asshole is pretty easy. And I'm pretty lazy. Maybe I'll just keep doing that. Yep. That's what I'll do.
As for right now.. I don't know how much I should actually write in here. I've given my SG password out to a few hot chick loving girls and one of them's opinion of me may be altered by her potentially reading my journals. Meh. I suppose she needs to know too. Ok. The right now part.
Today has been a worthless day. I stayed up until about 3am wallowing in my own self pity looking at porn and listening to music. When I was with Brittany I sort of neglected music. Before we were together I would listen to music all the time. And every time I was on the computer I'd have music playing, and that would be a big chunk of my time. When I was with her I was more concerned with spending time with her trying to make her happy and being happy just being with her. And when she left I didn't even start listening again. I just laid around and watched TV and wasted the days away because I felt so shit. Then one day I just pumped it up and sung my little broken heart out and started feeling again. I didn't cry when my grandmother died. I didn't cry when she left. I didn't cry when she told me she had a new boyfriend. I'd been bottling everything up for so long because it was easier than hurting. Singing did it to me. Singing made me feel again.
So as a result of being up late I slept late. I was meant to jam with Todd today because we have these gigs coming up. I wont get into that now though. I sent him a text and got nothing back. I told my brother I couldn't jam with him and record his song because I had plans to practice with Todd. And now it's too late to play music extremely loud in suburbia. I caught the end of the Simpsons marathons they have on Fox8 on Saturdays and Sundays and I fell back to sleep all afternoon. What a goddamn waste of day. I thought I was over the wasting days stage. I was sorta out of that for a while when I had the prospect of Leah.
I'm a sucker for punishment. I should've probably just elected for a normal relationship. I've got offers shitting out of my ears these days. But I've never been one for one night stands, and that coupled with the fact that I have feelings for Leah, has made taking these girls up on their offers impossible. What I meant by normal relationship is.. I met Leah on msn not long after Brittany left. And I've never ACTUALLY met the girl. We live in the same city. We've been at the same club at the same time, at the same shopping centre at the same time, and I can't be with her. It's been like 4 or 5 months now. And I can't take it anymore. I can't handle being turned down time and time again. She says I'll never understand her and her reasons for wanting to wait. We both know that once it starts it'll be something that'll go on for ages. But because of what happened to her, something that isn't for me to be airing in public, she's just extremely wary of men.
I question this, because she has a million guy friends who she can see. And I'm this guy that she says she loves, who cares so much, and is only there to help, and she wont be with me. I just can't feel the way I do and be unable to even see her. She says it's all about me, that it's all about what I want. That I want to see HER. That I'VE got to be with HER. She's forgetting the fact that I've been so incredibly patient, that I call her every day and am so in debt to the phone company because of her (I'm not using the money as a defence, because if I was with her I'd be spoiling her anyway). That I've completely proven what type of person I am to her. But I can't continue to be in pain. I've either got to have it all, or just be friends with her.
So that sorta brings me to now. Where I'm listening to the songs I'm meant to be learning. Where peanut the fat chihuahua is satisfying her foot licking fetish on me. Where I'm wearing a beanie in summer. Where after being on the phone with Leah for 10 minutes and saying probably 10 words I decided it was time to start writing. Because I can't keep burdening certain people with what's going on, and pretending to others that nothing's going on. So that's it for now I guess.
As for right now.. I don't know how much I should actually write in here. I've given my SG password out to a few hot chick loving girls and one of them's opinion of me may be altered by her potentially reading my journals. Meh. I suppose she needs to know too. Ok. The right now part.
Today has been a worthless day. I stayed up until about 3am wallowing in my own self pity looking at porn and listening to music. When I was with Brittany I sort of neglected music. Before we were together I would listen to music all the time. And every time I was on the computer I'd have music playing, and that would be a big chunk of my time. When I was with her I was more concerned with spending time with her trying to make her happy and being happy just being with her. And when she left I didn't even start listening again. I just laid around and watched TV and wasted the days away because I felt so shit. Then one day I just pumped it up and sung my little broken heart out and started feeling again. I didn't cry when my grandmother died. I didn't cry when she left. I didn't cry when she told me she had a new boyfriend. I'd been bottling everything up for so long because it was easier than hurting. Singing did it to me. Singing made me feel again.
So as a result of being up late I slept late. I was meant to jam with Todd today because we have these gigs coming up. I wont get into that now though. I sent him a text and got nothing back. I told my brother I couldn't jam with him and record his song because I had plans to practice with Todd. And now it's too late to play music extremely loud in suburbia. I caught the end of the Simpsons marathons they have on Fox8 on Saturdays and Sundays and I fell back to sleep all afternoon. What a goddamn waste of day. I thought I was over the wasting days stage. I was sorta out of that for a while when I had the prospect of Leah.
I'm a sucker for punishment. I should've probably just elected for a normal relationship. I've got offers shitting out of my ears these days. But I've never been one for one night stands, and that coupled with the fact that I have feelings for Leah, has made taking these girls up on their offers impossible. What I meant by normal relationship is.. I met Leah on msn not long after Brittany left. And I've never ACTUALLY met the girl. We live in the same city. We've been at the same club at the same time, at the same shopping centre at the same time, and I can't be with her. It's been like 4 or 5 months now. And I can't take it anymore. I can't handle being turned down time and time again. She says I'll never understand her and her reasons for wanting to wait. We both know that once it starts it'll be something that'll go on for ages. But because of what happened to her, something that isn't for me to be airing in public, she's just extremely wary of men.
I question this, because she has a million guy friends who she can see. And I'm this guy that she says she loves, who cares so much, and is only there to help, and she wont be with me. I just can't feel the way I do and be unable to even see her. She says it's all about me, that it's all about what I want. That I want to see HER. That I'VE got to be with HER. She's forgetting the fact that I've been so incredibly patient, that I call her every day and am so in debt to the phone company because of her (I'm not using the money as a defence, because if I was with her I'd be spoiling her anyway). That I've completely proven what type of person I am to her. But I can't continue to be in pain. I've either got to have it all, or just be friends with her.
So that sorta brings me to now. Where I'm listening to the songs I'm meant to be learning. Where peanut the fat chihuahua is satisfying her foot licking fetish on me. Where I'm wearing a beanie in summer. Where after being on the phone with Leah for 10 minutes and saying probably 10 words I decided it was time to start writing. Because I can't keep burdening certain people with what's going on, and pretending to others that nothing's going on. So that's it for now I guess.