So my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me on Wednesday.
I think I'm back here because I always used this place to be able to actually open up about myself. And at 30 years old now I don't feel like I can write a beta male facebook status proclaiming my woe.
Also we are still facebook friends and we aren't "facebook official"ly broken up. I'll wait for her to make that move in case she ends up missing the cat enough to want to be around me too.
I haven't cried or anything. We have kinda had the same talk 3 times now, and this time I just let it happen. The talk about how she doesn't feel like she's lived enough, that she needs to find out all about life on her own, that I've been such a support to her that she hasn't been forced to and doesn't know how to support herself. That she doesn't know who she is or who she wants to be. The first two times I did plead with her that if she doesn't know then how can she know that this is the right decision? And that I have never stopped her from doing anything or being anyone, that she can do whatever she wants to do, I just want to be a part of it with her.
So basically for the past 4 and a bit days I've been sitting around on the couch, watching TV. Playing Xbox. Eating poorly and turning in to the male equivalent of a cat-lady (I don't think a cat-man is widely accepted as a "thing" yet, is it?).
I'm progressively telling people. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. But in the telling of people it gives me the opportunity to accept their support. And I really fucking need it.
We went to the movies last weekend and saw Spike Jonze's "Her". I'm partially blaming this movie as the nail in the coffin for my relationship-which-could've-turned-into-marriage.
For me it was intense and beautiful and confronting and brilliant, all the while making a scary prediction of what our lives will I think inevitably be like in the not-too-distant future. And it hit home a lot with me because I feel like I once had a symbiotic relationship similar to his with Samantha at one time in my life, with a "girl" who I had never met, who's persona was one shaped upon what she thought I liked, who was just a voice of what felt like genuine love at the end of a phone whenever I wanted or needed it. Which was always.
It's still unconfirmed to this day but my Samantha was a girl who I already knew but only as an acquaintance, and was completely different. I've only semi-confronted her about it and she denied it, but since then I've never been able to find or get in contact with her. Especially as much as I feel the longing to do so after seeing this movie, and still feeling heartbreak over the whole ordeal to this day.
I have a way of getting off-topic, don't I?
Anyway. So what do you do when you've been left on your own to wallow in self-pity? Watch a romantic comedy, of course. I re-watched 500 Days of Summer just now. I don't know why I chose it. It goes without saying that both Zooey and JGL are dreamboats and that's reason enough to watch it. I think I chose it because when we would want to watch a movie and we'd stand in front of my movie collection shouting out suggestions, she'd always watched the ones I wanted to watch during the day at some point while I was at work.
Apart from completely relating right now to the way Tom intermittently feels as the movie jumps back and forth throughout the 500 days, and the bit where he's listening to a song through headphones on the bus and screams "I HATE THIS SONG" before being kicked off the bus, there was a part which stuck with me. Tom is applying at a bunch of architecture firms and during some time out goes to sit at his favourite spot in the city to reflect. Summer is sitting on adjacent bench and they talk for a while. And it's kind of the crescendo of their whole saga. And as she walks away, Tom says:
"I really do hope you're happy".
Now I don't believe that one bit.
Yes it's the bitter love-scorned cynic saying this. But if it were Summer, the one who left Tom high-and-dry, seeing that Tom is doing well, or in a different scenario actually is happy without her in his life, I feel she has the right to proclaim such a statement and mean it. But for Tom, who has spent the best part of a year getting over Summer and is still struggling considerably, especially after finding out the girl who he loved, who couldn't love anyone back, has just gotten married to someone she's really only just met, to genuinely feel happy for her while her happiness has caused him pain, well I think that is a load of crap.
I'm not saying that Summer doesn't have the right to make different choices with her life, or the right to be happy, but anyone who says they are happy for someone who has broken their heart and is still feeling pain from it is lying.
I don't hope she is happy. I hope she is sad and realizes that I was pretty good.