One of these days I'll write a happy good news blog. I swear.

Things I'm allowed to do in my house, but you, as a guest, aren't.
- I can leave my clothes on my bedroom floor, where only I will be walking. You are not allowed to leave your clothes on the bathroom floor where I will trip over them.
- I can use all the toothpaste, because I bought it. When you're on holiday, you should be prepared and bring your own.
- I go through a roll of toilet paper about every three weeks. You may not go through three rolls in one week, as you are not the one buying it. Do you really need to shit that much? And if so, do you dirty your ass so much with shit that you need to use nine times the amount of toilet paper that I do?
- I can use my razor. YOU CAN'T.
- The $20 a bottle men's shampoo and conditioners I buy from the salon are mine. If you don't care enough about your hair to bring your own, use the shit ones on the shelf.
- I work at night, and am quiet when I get home so as to not disturb your sleeping. Please, in the mornings, do not:
a) slam the door constantly;
b) let the dog in to jump on me whilst I am sleeping;
c) leave the dog in once you've let it in, only for it to bark as you walk past the window, again, waking me.
- I can leave my dirty plates on the bench because I am going to wash them up. Are you going to wash yours up?
- My house means my rules. And I've been invaded by POLICE over the shit you choose to do. DO NOT DO IT IN MY PART OF THE HOUSE. That smell will NOT go away easily.
Fuck you.

Why, when children wake in the night, do they cry? How old do they have to be to grow out of it? You're 4 years old! Go back to sleep!

Tomorrow will be a good day.