hypersage

For the past 13 years I have been in love with the most amazing, beautiful woman I have ever met and for the past 8 I have been married to her. She doesn't even exist though. The woman I have actually been in a relationship with is the type of cold-hearted person who would attempt to cheat on you with your brother and lie throughout your marriage to cover it up, allowing you to think he tried to assault her. She's the type of woman who would cheat on you with 2 different strangers, carrying out the most intimate acts that she told you she didn't like to do because of sexual trauma when she was younger. Shes the type of woman who would allow you to tell her how badly you wanted a reconciliation, to agree that you are soulmates and that she cannot imagine dying having never been with you again, that she is confused and just needs some space but wants to be with you, all the while fucking some other guy and telling him she loves him, planning marriage and babies with him. Simply because you pay all the bills.

The woman that I love is 10x better than the woman I was actually in a relationship with. I saw no signs, some might say I was blind, that the woman I thought I knew was different to the woman that I shared my life with.

The problem is, though, that she looks exactly like her. It's hard to accept that the person I knew was just a lie.

So this is me... damaged, broken and dead inside. Trying to put back together the pieces of a life I never wanted. Feeling like there is no future without her in it. Knowing that I will forever be a weekend Dad, whose kids will soon have someone else putting them to bed every night and waking them up every morning.

Seeing no future for myself, seeing nothing that I can offer anyone in a relationship. My chance of a new family was stolen when WE agreed that we didn't want any more kids and that, if we ever did split up (how that seemed like a distant impossibility back then) that we would never want kids with anyone else.

I feel like my actual life is over and this is just some hellish waiting room, a holding cell that I have been placed in until whatever God there may be decides that I have been tortured enough.

I haven't been here in so long that I'm not even sure anyone will read this but, if you do, I'm sorry that I have nothing more positive to say... and I need you.

"There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery."
Dante Alighieri