hypermediocrity

total randomness first.

i want to be honest here. i've never thought i was a pretty girl. dont get me wrong, i havent ever thought i was ugly. but im sort of dissociated about how i look. i dont really think about my face much.
a guy asked me the other day why i didnt wear much makeup. i laughed and told him, rather facetiously, that having dark hair is makeup enough.
i woke up this morning and took this picture to send to T. i have mascara on my face. i have dark circles because i didnt sleep well. but for the first time i saw the picture and didnt analyse it. i am almost shocked that this is me. it isnt how i picture myself in my head.
and i thought i looked pretty.

i digress.


i remember a great day about five months ago.

i woke up and turned over and there you were, lashes on your cheeks, eyes closed, dreaming and beautiful. your eyes fluttered open and you smiled at me, dimples in full force. you grabbed me and put your face in my neck. the people i was staying with were gone to their respective jobs, we stayed and made love on the couch you'd been joining me on for a few weeks. we are pizza with no cheese for breakfast while we watched some er show on television... you always humoured me with that. when you got the call to leave, you procrastinated, took a shower with me, watched me put my makeup on. the goodbye kisses lasted for years.

you were beautiful.

i remember a horrible day eight weeks ago.

i awoke in the early hours of the morning with a start. your phone was ringing, there was intense conversation. you jumped out of bed and almost fell over because you were still exhausted. swearing, cursing, expletives and my mouth just kept opening and closing like a fish, because anything i could say to you sounded trite before it even left my lips. you left frazzled and confused without kissing me goodbye. when you came home an hour later, you were inconsolable. you were so stressed you couldnt stand my touch, saying you felt claustrophobic. i wanted to understand.

i couldnt.

id say all i can do is forgive you, but you dont need forgiving. forgiving is for people who have done something wrong. you havent. it is not your fault youre a slave. you tell me not to feel like im second to your job, but the fact of the matter is, i am.

i feel so so sorry for you.
i will never understand. i will always feel frustrated.

but i will always, always love you, and i wont give up on you.
i've got your back.

"i always think its so cute how you always put your face in my neck."
"where else would i put it?"