Today is a very slow day. I took some klonopin and passed out for a little bit, but I'm still feeling the effects. It's crazy it took me nearly my whole life to find the right combination of medication for the anxiety I have suffered from from day one.
I had always been "shy", so to speak, or at least that's what I thought it was called. Apparently there are degrees. I was an out of control baby, I cried constantly because I was born ill, jaundice and heart murmurs and allergies to all kinds of milk. Nothing uncommon, but enough to make an infant uncomfortable, I'm sure. I threw fits radical fits as a toddler, probably just like you. I was taken to my first psychiatrist when I was 2, who diagnosed me with "difficult to raise child syndrome". I can tell you now, that doesn't exist. Made up.
When I was 13, after being in and out of psychologists and guidance councilor's offices who were convinced my parents were to blame, I finally found a doctor who seemed to be able to pinpoint exactly what was different about me.
My mother explained what was happening, I didn't want to go to school and had panic attacks in the morning before. He ran scans for common psychosis like schizophrenia and bipolar - I had nothing. He then diagnosed me with agoraphobia, major depression, and ADHD, and performed numerous brain scans and QEEGS and found the culprit of my problems: Mild brain trauma likely caused from forceps used at my birth. My mom confirmed this by saying I had had forcep marks on my head that lasted for a month. I was on zoloft at the time, but my doctor was convinced this would not help me and weened me off, convinced that neurofeedback was the answer. It helped as long as I was continuing treatment, but when I stopped going, due to moving, they came back.
Now later down the road, at 18, I had found myself developing new and disturbing anxieties. I was constantly worried about illness, running to the bathroom to check myself with a handheld mirror for any sign of disease, and if I found anything which seemed out of the norm for me, I had panic attacks. These rituals took up hours of my day, would come and go depending on my stress level, and caused me great distress Finally a year later, I'd had enough of the agony and decided it was time to see a doctor again. Anything for the help.
I started seeing my doctor, confirming mild hypochondria and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and he prescribed a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety called Pristiq, along with the Klonopin.
I had had experience with medication in the past and I was reluctant, for fear that it would not work and the turmoil would continue. Luckily for me, this medication has been the answer to my problems, I am no longer repetitively picking up mirrors, concerning myself with religious superstition, and I can do things I haven't really ever been able to do.
I know a lot of people suffer from the same things I do and I know what kind of internal turmoil it can cause, but it you look hard enough, you'll find exactly what you need to make you feel better. It's definitely not the end of the world, although when you are having a ritual, it seems as though it is.
I had always been "shy", so to speak, or at least that's what I thought it was called. Apparently there are degrees. I was an out of control baby, I cried constantly because I was born ill, jaundice and heart murmurs and allergies to all kinds of milk. Nothing uncommon, but enough to make an infant uncomfortable, I'm sure. I threw fits radical fits as a toddler, probably just like you. I was taken to my first psychiatrist when I was 2, who diagnosed me with "difficult to raise child syndrome". I can tell you now, that doesn't exist. Made up.
When I was 13, after being in and out of psychologists and guidance councilor's offices who were convinced my parents were to blame, I finally found a doctor who seemed to be able to pinpoint exactly what was different about me.
My mother explained what was happening, I didn't want to go to school and had panic attacks in the morning before. He ran scans for common psychosis like schizophrenia and bipolar - I had nothing. He then diagnosed me with agoraphobia, major depression, and ADHD, and performed numerous brain scans and QEEGS and found the culprit of my problems: Mild brain trauma likely caused from forceps used at my birth. My mom confirmed this by saying I had had forcep marks on my head that lasted for a month. I was on zoloft at the time, but my doctor was convinced this would not help me and weened me off, convinced that neurofeedback was the answer. It helped as long as I was continuing treatment, but when I stopped going, due to moving, they came back.
Now later down the road, at 18, I had found myself developing new and disturbing anxieties. I was constantly worried about illness, running to the bathroom to check myself with a handheld mirror for any sign of disease, and if I found anything which seemed out of the norm for me, I had panic attacks. These rituals took up hours of my day, would come and go depending on my stress level, and caused me great distress Finally a year later, I'd had enough of the agony and decided it was time to see a doctor again. Anything for the help.
I started seeing my doctor, confirming mild hypochondria and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and he prescribed a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety called Pristiq, along with the Klonopin.
I had had experience with medication in the past and I was reluctant, for fear that it would not work and the turmoil would continue. Luckily for me, this medication has been the answer to my problems, I am no longer repetitively picking up mirrors, concerning myself with religious superstition, and I can do things I haven't really ever been able to do.
I know a lot of people suffer from the same things I do and I know what kind of internal turmoil it can cause, but it you look hard enough, you'll find exactly what you need to make you feel better. It's definitely not the end of the world, although when you are having a ritual, it seems as though it is.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
khayos:
i love yur photos hun, you're so pretty! xxxx
justrodan:
thanks 