okay. so i am going to Atlanta this weekend. i'll be gone from Saturday afternoon-ish until probably Tuesday night.
i'm helping a friend from art school move all the junk from her studio to her new place. which is good, because since she's moving i won't have an opportunity to hang out with her again until... fuck knows when. then we're driving to somewhere north of Atlanta to attend a notorious 4th of July party thrown annually by another good friend from art school. which is good, because i only get to see this friend once a year or so.
but no worries, i'll be documenting the trip through the amazing technology of the digital camera.
in other news.
everyone i've talked to about a job has told me the same thing: we don't need anyone now, but we will come September. and while i have not yet resigned myself to waiting until the fall to seek out work, i'm thinking more and more that it might not be such a bad idea. it would be cutting it awfully close, with the savings vs. living expenses battle. but fuck, man. i don't know what else to do.
another kink in the works is that Rhys keeps saying we're going to move in the fall. if we do, it will probably be to Greenville, NC. this is where the college he plans to attend is, and is located about an hour or so away from his family. whatever. i'm all for a change in venue. i don't really care where. but if we end up moving there, we'll be buying a house- well, not "we". he will. i refuse to put my name down on anything of that magnitude. plus, it's not like my no credit/bad credit/holy shit, do you even exist?!? credit is gonna help out much.
now, while i'd much rather live in a non-rental property that i can do repairs on, paint, and fix up the way i want it without feeling like it's a futile endeavor, i'm a bit hesitant to make that kind of commitment. that's a big fucking step. that means not being able to snatch up my dog and a duffle bag and take a midnight bus to whereabouts unknown on a whim- which, admittedly, i've never done, but fantasize about daily. that means the next two-five years, at least, are planned out and pinned down to a certain place/position, and i can forget about all those pipe-dreams of running off to Europe, or New York, or wherever it is i see myself in fleeting, half-assed day dreams that i do nothing to make real. but this would be real.
and it scares me. it would dissolve the notion that this stage in my life is merely transitional. also i kind of feel like i would just be tagging along, ignoring what i wanted to do with my life because it's much easier to follow someone else's plan than it is to make your own.
but my own plan... heh. the best shot i have is that fucking library job in Kentucky. move back to my home town for a few years and just... float. get my head on straight, make some art, and apply to grad school because i honestly don't know what else i'm going to do. not too solid. and it kind of feels like going backwards. like i've failed in the "real world" so i'm going back to somewhere where being mediocre and half-assed is still better than what anyone else is doing. but fuck. that's not what i want.
and i have all these friends doing great stuff with their lives- travelling, going to school in New York, getting cool jobs that let them make art and learn stuff... i wonder why i can't do that, too. i wonder what's stopping me. hell, i could shoot out a dozen or so reasons, excuses, and the like. but it just comes down to doing it. i've just lost the faith. lost the confidence in myself i used to have. lost the belief that i have it in me to do these things. that's the bottom line...
shit. that turned out to be a bit longer than i meant it...
if you had told me when i was 18 that this is what i'd be doing, saying, and acting like at the age of 23, i would have laughed. or punched you. or denied the possibility.
ain't it a bitch how time slips away from you?
love.
-Hyena.
i'm helping a friend from art school move all the junk from her studio to her new place. which is good, because since she's moving i won't have an opportunity to hang out with her again until... fuck knows when. then we're driving to somewhere north of Atlanta to attend a notorious 4th of July party thrown annually by another good friend from art school. which is good, because i only get to see this friend once a year or so.
but no worries, i'll be documenting the trip through the amazing technology of the digital camera.
in other news.
everyone i've talked to about a job has told me the same thing: we don't need anyone now, but we will come September. and while i have not yet resigned myself to waiting until the fall to seek out work, i'm thinking more and more that it might not be such a bad idea. it would be cutting it awfully close, with the savings vs. living expenses battle. but fuck, man. i don't know what else to do.
another kink in the works is that Rhys keeps saying we're going to move in the fall. if we do, it will probably be to Greenville, NC. this is where the college he plans to attend is, and is located about an hour or so away from his family. whatever. i'm all for a change in venue. i don't really care where. but if we end up moving there, we'll be buying a house- well, not "we". he will. i refuse to put my name down on anything of that magnitude. plus, it's not like my no credit/bad credit/holy shit, do you even exist?!? credit is gonna help out much.
now, while i'd much rather live in a non-rental property that i can do repairs on, paint, and fix up the way i want it without feeling like it's a futile endeavor, i'm a bit hesitant to make that kind of commitment. that's a big fucking step. that means not being able to snatch up my dog and a duffle bag and take a midnight bus to whereabouts unknown on a whim- which, admittedly, i've never done, but fantasize about daily. that means the next two-five years, at least, are planned out and pinned down to a certain place/position, and i can forget about all those pipe-dreams of running off to Europe, or New York, or wherever it is i see myself in fleeting, half-assed day dreams that i do nothing to make real. but this would be real.
and it scares me. it would dissolve the notion that this stage in my life is merely transitional. also i kind of feel like i would just be tagging along, ignoring what i wanted to do with my life because it's much easier to follow someone else's plan than it is to make your own.
but my own plan... heh. the best shot i have is that fucking library job in Kentucky. move back to my home town for a few years and just... float. get my head on straight, make some art, and apply to grad school because i honestly don't know what else i'm going to do. not too solid. and it kind of feels like going backwards. like i've failed in the "real world" so i'm going back to somewhere where being mediocre and half-assed is still better than what anyone else is doing. but fuck. that's not what i want.
and i have all these friends doing great stuff with their lives- travelling, going to school in New York, getting cool jobs that let them make art and learn stuff... i wonder why i can't do that, too. i wonder what's stopping me. hell, i could shoot out a dozen or so reasons, excuses, and the like. but it just comes down to doing it. i've just lost the faith. lost the confidence in myself i used to have. lost the belief that i have it in me to do these things. that's the bottom line...
shit. that turned out to be a bit longer than i meant it...
if you had told me when i was 18 that this is what i'd be doing, saying, and acting like at the age of 23, i would have laughed. or punched you. or denied the possibility.
ain't it a bitch how time slips away from you?
love.
-Hyena.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I think on all of 1975 there's one song I don't like. One song. On two CDs. I can't remember which one it is offhand. I think it's "Mama, You Been On My Mind"? Or "Oh Sister"... anyway, 21 out of 22 ain't awful.
I read all the above. I don't want to just say something short but errr I'm at work... I will say- you don't have to consider yourself trapped anywhere for 5 years. You can go elsewhere during that time... I mean, if you're not signed into anything like a lease! Also, you might find things to do in NC... or not, but then you can go somewhere else before 5 years is up. I've been to NC last year and they let me out of the state a few days later, without a cavity search, baksheesh, or anything.