hyenahell

fuck.

first off, i'm sorry i haven't been great at responding to everyone's comments in my journal lately. i really appreciate all the support and kind words, though. and i'm sorry i've been dragging out all this negative crap and bad news for y'all to sort through. again, your support is appreciated. it always makes me smile to check in and see i've got comments from all you wonderful fuckin' folk. much love.

i figure shit's got to get better. although i know enough not to say that things couldn't possibly get worse. because honestly, that's the kind of blind optimism that the Fates will punish you for. heh. but yes. it's got to get better. i don't see anything wrong with telling myself that.

and i hope i've got my head on straight enough by the weekend so i can go out. i miss my friends. that's right. i'm talking about you SGnola folks. mad love.

it fucking sucks to be on such an emotional teeter-totter. heh. "teeter-totter". i believe it's silly metaphor day. yeah. shit. you get your laughs when you can, no matter how inane. but yeah. up and down. and in and out. all which ways but right. and i could go on prattling about it, but it's just so fucking worn out. hell, read back a couple days ago and i'm sure you'll find the same old thing. yes, Hyena. we all know you're nuts. come up with a new excuse, already.

and it's the excuses that drive me the most nuts. my own excuses, i mean. it's the kind of shit i wouldn't tolerate in a lot of people i've severed ties with over the years. it's the same shit that frustrates the hell out of me when i talk to the few people i have left in my life. the routine where you'll tell someone how to solve a particular problem they have, and for every suggestion you make, they've got an excuse or a half-baked reason why that could never, ever work.

bullshit, plain and simple. just excuses not to have to get up off your ass and make things better. because that would involve effort. and it's easier to stay in a rut than claw your way out, for sure. and because you get comfortable with being miserable, just like you get comfortable with anything. you get used to an idea and change seems inconceivable- fuckin' heresy, or something to that effect.

and i'll say it again, like i've said so many times: it's one step at a time. of course life gets overwealming. of course you don't know what to start with. just pick something. and start. and i keep saying this. you've heard it a fuckin' blue million times, i'm sure. but i keep thinking that if i say it enough, it'll get through my skull. and i'll have an epiphany- a real one, one that lasts more than a day or a week- and snap out of this. and i'll get up, and i'll feel like i can make it. not just through the day, or the week. but make something of my life.

fuck. i'm sorry. i didn't intend for this to run on so long. nor did i intend to get off on one of my dual-purpose, self-motivating and self-depreciating tangents. so. sorry. really. i hate this shit.

much love to you all.
-Hyena.

p.s.: on a brighter note, i took some new pictures.



vanity shots/silliness. maybe both.