another wasted day...
i have got to find a job; it's become ridiculous. if only for something to occupy my meddling mind. heh. not to mention the fact that i am so fucking far in debt. that pretty soon i'll have to start pawning shit to pay rent.
my friends are starting to tell me they're "worried" about me. i.e.: "gee, we've seen you in a hole before, but you don't seem to be clawing your way out of this one..." it's frightening, really. i know i'm down on my luck, so to speak. but it's not too encouraging to hear folk marveling about the extent of your squalor.
and it's not just the money. money's tight, yeah. i've borrowed all i can and my parents can't help me out because they have no money.
but it's something deeper, something more serious. there's this weight driving me down... something i can't put my finger on. something very ... wrong. and hell. i'm taking my meds like a good girl. i'm trying... but this isn't my imagination; this isn't some chemical imbalance. no-sir-ee. not this time. i feel it as an ever-present, surrounding haze... heavy, gaseous, and choking... like something toxic in the air that you can't smell or see... but you feel it pressing down.
i'm not what you could call depressed. nope. i have the pills to take care of those nasty little voices. it's a strange and frustrating kind of confusion- more a disorientation, i think. a listless, lost feeling. a ghostly idea that i'm slipping, but without sensation, without evidence or experience... just geussing, reaching into the dark and aproximating the monsters that may or may not be... falling, but falling for so long that the sensation nullifies itself and turns into all that i know... until solid ground passes from memory into the void, and there is nothing but the ... blank fucking page.
i have got to find a job; it's become ridiculous. if only for something to occupy my meddling mind. heh. not to mention the fact that i am so fucking far in debt. that pretty soon i'll have to start pawning shit to pay rent.
my friends are starting to tell me they're "worried" about me. i.e.: "gee, we've seen you in a hole before, but you don't seem to be clawing your way out of this one..." it's frightening, really. i know i'm down on my luck, so to speak. but it's not too encouraging to hear folk marveling about the extent of your squalor.
and it's not just the money. money's tight, yeah. i've borrowed all i can and my parents can't help me out because they have no money.
but it's something deeper, something more serious. there's this weight driving me down... something i can't put my finger on. something very ... wrong. and hell. i'm taking my meds like a good girl. i'm trying... but this isn't my imagination; this isn't some chemical imbalance. no-sir-ee. not this time. i feel it as an ever-present, surrounding haze... heavy, gaseous, and choking... like something toxic in the air that you can't smell or see... but you feel it pressing down.
i'm not what you could call depressed. nope. i have the pills to take care of those nasty little voices. it's a strange and frustrating kind of confusion- more a disorientation, i think. a listless, lost feeling. a ghostly idea that i'm slipping, but without sensation, without evidence or experience... just geussing, reaching into the dark and aproximating the monsters that may or may not be... falling, but falling for so long that the sensation nullifies itself and turns into all that i know... until solid ground passes from memory into the void, and there is nothing but the ... blank fucking page.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Maybe your mood will lighten once I pull up in a stolen school bus and spirit you away to sunny Mexico...plus, once we sell the schoolkids on the lucrative Mexican black market, we can live like kings, I tell you.
But good luck finding a job...hopefully something will come up, even if it's some half-assed part-time thing.
And I hope you feel better. I know that listless, falling feeling too well...maybe you just need a break in your routine, something to remind you that you have more possibilities out there than what you feel restricted to.
Yeah, I suck at cheering people up, but hey, at least one of us disembodied internet weirdos thinks you're awesome, if that helps.
And yes, I'm not at Joy Division level of mope, but I sure hope that doesn't mean I now have to go to the New Order level of disco feyness.
And again, good luck with the job search. Maybe you and my significant other can hang out and bemoan your lack of job options. Of course, that might not really lead to an active job search...
And there's an X lyric for every situation, isn't there?
Good to hear you're getting laid, at least.
And hope you're feeling better. *hug*