Do you ever look at an old picture and think, “I can’t believe that’s me!” That’s exactly how I feel with with picture, and this whole “set” I did when I was 20 with the first modeling company I ever worked for.
I remember taking these pictures in my apartment kitchen, while my mentally abusive boyfriend just watched on the side. I remember having a blast taking these pictures and looking back on them and loving them. But later on that night,I was made to feel bad and ashamed about that by, you guessed it, my shitty boyfriend of the time. He hated that I took pictures like these (even though they were ALL clothed! No nudity at all!!) but I had made the choice that I wanted to try modeling and feel pretty about myself before we started dating, so at first he pretended like it was okay, but for some reason, he’d always be in a shitty mood or start a fight the night after a shoot. So I eventually gave it up BECAUSE OF HIM. He made me feel so bad and insecure about wanting to look sexy or even just pretty that I stopped it completely. Even after we broke up, it took me awhile to get back into it. The damage he did took a toll more than I had realized, and really hurt. I wish I would’ve realized back then how much a piece of shit he was, and how pretty I really was and just said “fuck you! I can do what I want, and I am beautiful, no matter what you say or how you make me feel!” But I didn’t. And now, these pictures are more of a little reminder of how I GOT OUT of that situation, and how HUGE of a red flag that was. I never EVER thought I’d be able to find a partner who would accept me modeling (even fully clothed) because of him. But one day, when I finally let the control my thoughts and emotions had on me because of him go, I said FUCK IT. I’m going to do what I want, and model the way that I want, and become a fucking Suicidegirl, and if I can’t find a partner that will accept that, then fuck them, they aren’t the one! Then one day, it happened.
I found my boyfriend (that I am with to this day) 4 years later. After a few months of dating, it finally came where I decided to tell him I was a hopeful Suicidegirl. I remember being so nervous and scared because of what had happened in the past, but I overcame me fear and it went a little like this:
Me: What would you think if you were dating a Suicidegirl?
Boyfriend: I’d seriously shit my pants!!
It was the best reaction I could have EVER hoped for. And he still feels the same way today. It wasn’t an act, it’s really how he feels. He loves how passionate I am about modeling and SG and actually encourages it! I never in a million years thought I’d find someone like him, or anyone who would be so supportive of what I do. All because I was brain-washed by an insecure manipulative mentally abusive piece of shit. But I was able to leave, not only the relationship, but the control that he had on me years later. It may seem like it’s only in a fairy tale that you will find someone so supportive, but I’m here to tell you that’s not the case. It may take awhile and tons of working on yourself and your mindstate, but it will happen. No one deserves to feel bad for doing what they like or love, even if it is posing naked in front of a camera! I’m so glad I never fully gave up my dreams and I was able to find someone along the way to help me achieve them 🖤
I’m sorry this post got so long, I just got so many feelings and memories from looking at my old pictures, and I just want to give you bad ass ladies that may be in bad situations a glimmer of hope and a sign to say “FUCK THAT LOSER!” You deserve better, if not the best, and it’s out there without him 💜
@missy @rambo @sean
