So, I have totally been lacking in the Blog department. Every time I try to sit down to blog, life happens and I get side-tracked. I am not even sure if I am doing these blogs in order, so I will just write them as I see them and contemplate them thoroughly. We were asked by @missy @rambo and @lyxzen to write about who our hero is. I have been thinking about this long and hard, as to what or who I feel a hero should be. For me, a hero is someone who makes you want to do better, to be a better YOU. A hero is someone who goes above and beyond and breaks all barriers and is not afraid to create change in the world and other's lives. I have had many people cross my path in life that I feel have completely broke the mold, whom I looked up to and made me want to be fearless and confident, and to tap into my complete and potential self.
So when asked "who is my hero?" I have to say that my hero is my daughter, Amaiah. Before having my daughter I was a mess, I hated myself and everything I stood for (well, mainly because I literally had no direction in life, I was merely existing). I spent almost every waking hour trying to make myself "numb". Numb to love, numb to pain, numb to my overwhelmingly intrusive thoughts, numb to reality. I would try anything and everything to avoid any kind of feeling, accept the feeling of Ascension, as that's the only thing I felt when I was high. Rather than using substances for a spiritual experience or a form of higher learning, as some do, I was using them to not feel and to forget. I spent a majority of my teenage years self-mutilating myself and injecting anything I could to off myself, because at the time, the best feeling I had ever had was the thought of dying. I felt that this would free me of all pain and anything that made me feel less than I felt I should be. I spent so much time abusing myself and trying to end my life that I never thought I could be worthy of anything or anyone good in life. I am still not sure what caused these feelings, or why I felt the way I did, but I am glad that I did not allow myself to die. I think that my last visit in the mental hospital from my last suicide attempt is what ended it for me. I was tired, and completely drained, and at that moment, I realized that there must be some reason why despite everything I had done, the universe did not allow me to die.
Shortly after this dark period in my life, I began to make a transition from this dark, troubled teenager, to an emerging, self-accepting young woman that wanted more from herself and her life. It did not happen over night, to be quite honest, I am still a work in progress and continue to learn and practice self-love on a daily basis. I met my daughter's father and at 19 years old, I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl. This was a whole new experience for me, because it was not only about me and what I needed, but it was about another human life that I was responsible for. It was both scary and amazing because it was almost as if I had transformed from a lost and troubled little girl, to a young woman with a purpose. She has changed me for the better and 9 years later, we have grown up together and have been to hell and back, we teach one another patience, acceptance, and unconditional love (because shit, we all could use that, especially me), and we do this through our personal experiences with one another. She love's me and accepts me despite my faults as a person and a parent, as I do her, and for that I am forever grateful. I truly don't know where I'd be today had she hadn't came into my life. To be quite honest I probably would have been committed to a mental hospital or dead. She has caused me to strive to be the best person I can be and because of this and her, I have to be a successful mother, person, and woman that I can be, and anything I put my hand and mind into. So long story short, who is my hero you ask? She is Amaiah Meliyah, and she is AMAZING!!
