humberthumbert

since i dyed my hair, and started using public transportation, men have been hitting on me a LOT. it's like "oh, this is what it's like to be a girl."

never boys, either (or girls, god forbid), just middle-aged men.

so, this morning i missed my bus and sat for fifteen minutes with this 50 year-old latino guy who wouldn't stop talking about how he thinks smiling at strangers is very spiritual and how he drinks too much. he kept saying i was really beautiful, then he asked me out. i'd already told him i didn't have a boyfriend (and also that i wasn't married, with kids, because he asked that) so i just said i was gay.

HIM: "you're lying! you can't be, you're so feminine!"

ME: "uh, no, i am."

HIM: "i don't have a problem with that, i'm totally okay with it.......... (grins) don't lie to me, you're not a lesbian!"

he kept alternating between these two reactions for like ten minutes straight and kept asking me to go out with him anyway, he had a girlfriend but he could cheat on her. i told him i had a girlfriend and that she was indeed the jealous type. he was all curious and asking me what it was like to be in a lesbian relationship but my bus came so i didn't have to answer.

freaking out over the futility of life like woah. will i ever accomplish anything of value? all i've ever done is fuck things up and sit around being annoying and wasting our earth's natural resources. maybe i should adopt one of those third world kids... i mean, you know, not to come live with me or anything.

i want to create art that will change people for the better having read it. i think i can do that with my work where as an actual person all i do is make things worse. if not being famous or remembered (god this is getting cliche) i want to create something tangible and lasting... otherwise what is the point of life? i suppose contentment is, but i'm afraid i'll never be happy, or happy enough, that i'll always feel like my life was wasted because i'll always feel personally worthless.

i'm so dependant on other people... what happens when my parents die and i've got no one? god, the whole genetic line will die! this must be part of why people have kids... cause i really don't want to but for some reason i hate to see my family die off like that... how could i want more people around like me but i guess i do.

i wish i could always have someone i love to count on but nothing's permanent. sometimes i get a mad urge to alienate all my friends (as though i'm not doing a good enough job of that already) and become totally self-sufficient.

em's note dude from awhile back would have a field day with this. i really don't mean to go all emo, this stuff is always there and usually i just distract myself from it, but when i start getting introspective it's hard to stop.

been having such a good time lately, it's great having allison here. if she weren't i know i'd be really lonely. college is so full of people there's always somebody around to hang out with. maybe this semester will be great...