humberthumbert

well new years was... good and bad at the same time, like stuff usually is.

i did not even know i could get that drunk. wow. stumbling around and all.

cried all night. this is so not unusual.

i can't think of anything that will make me okay. for serious, not even alcohol. you really know it's a problem when alcohol can't fix it.

anyway it was good though i have been especially paranoid recently that i'm not fun or people don't like me or whatever. you know how with certain people you just never know how they feel about you or you are constantly afraid it is bad? i just don't know what to do. i need to not care so much.

yeah.

except for insane drunk honesty last night i think i've been alright, like not letting on how depressed i am... and being entertaining or whatever... i don't know why i can be honest with college homies about that but not here. they've all seen me being lame enough over here... i am definately too dependant on q. to like save me which i have been working on stopping. i talk about myself and my stupid problems way too much... at least here i don't have to worry that i'm forcing people to listen because no one has to read it if it gets too boring or emo.

...

My last morning in the city, our fingerprints both pressing your two arms white. Youre telling us to stop, making sounds like a small animal. Were pulling you apart by the seams, and if I listen I can almost hear your flesh tearing to give up one ragged half, half of you to fold up into my suitcase, half your mouth to talk, one arm to wrap around me. You diagrammed open, blue red, half your heart pumping. A narrower you I can curl up with every night. Mine, I said, my grip tightening, my nails digging into your wrist.