howdypardner

Seeing my humble little Christmas tree decorated with the ornaments of years gone by fills me with a joy I cannot express. I'm thankful for the memories. I'm thankful that I had a mom who was there, who was checked in, and who wanted me and all my siblings. I'm glad that I got 19 full years with her. I'm sorrowful that a lot of those years were spent in my angsty teen phase. It happens, I'm glad she was there to help guide me. Every Christmas we would all receive a new ornament for the tree. For a while there, the tree was overflowing with ornaments. Then slowly, the boys started to move away and the tree was once again at a contended medium. In 2003 we split mom's ornaments. I ended up with a couple of my favorites of hers. Last year I decided to still include my mother in this, her favorite holiday, by still buying her ornaments. She's happy about this, I can feel it.


Last year Christmas was rough. I didn't get all into it until Christmas morning. I woke up, and suddenly everything caught up with me. I went to the kitchen and brewed some coffee and pulled out the Christmas cds. As my friend lay sleeping on my couch, I played Christmas music and decorated my humble little tree. Then it started to magically snow in Portland, my heart was contented.

This year I remembered to put up my Christmas tree on the 11th, an homage to my grandfather who passed away in 1996. My friend Brian was over, and I'm glad, it made it a happy occasion instead of a painful mourning. This Christmas, I miss people. I miss my family, now departed. I miss friends scattered everywhere. I really miss Ryan, I do love him. Who knows if it's romantically or whatever, I don't care. I feel close to him as a person and he makes me laugh and smile. I got him the best Christmas present ever this year. I bought him a ticket to see Murder City Devils in PDX in Feb. This works out nicely for me, as it guarantees Ryan being in town soon, as well as Ryan getting to see one of his favorite bands play a show. The excitement in his voice when I told him about it, made it all worth it.

Then there's Gabe. I feel some kindred link to this boy. Maybe it's all just lust, lust would be easier. Gabe isn't so great at the communication, but he will apparently be in town soon. I guess we'll see how that unfolds. Must constantly remind myself not to build expectations, not to get hopes up. It's hard though, I am an easily excitable one.

All in all, the season is going well. I will make it through this, things will get better from here, I will find the love in my life and make it multiply.