howdypardner

It seems the number and frequency of those days is increasing. i could have sworn to you I already hit rock bottom. These famiallar feelings of flailing about struggling to find solid ground. . . .this is me drowning in my own emotions. I've lost my desire, my fire, my slef disiplince, however small, was gone long ago. I don't want to admit that there's a problem bigger than me, and I alone can't conquer it . By letting this go on it's only slowly chipping away at me. Not only am I hurting, but I've grown enough to recognize the lashing out and pain I cause others in the process. So I'll continue to look for some temporary fix because I'm not strong enough to admit that I'm weak. Take whatever small winnings, whatever love you can give because I can't love myself; whatever small triamphs there are and get that quick 2 second fix til I feel like shit again and continue to slowly kill whatever is left of me, what hasn't been raped, rotted, killed, snuffed out, beat down and broken, because pain is what really reminds us we are alive. . . .right?