I'm trying to write a book about my life. I'm not entirely convinced it will be of use to anyone, but I'm trying to figure out PTSD as it pertains to me. My latest theory is that I don't have it, which is interesting I think, because I have most of the symptoms of "post traumatic stress disorder." Crowds freak me out. Loud unexpected noises make me jumpy. I'm a total alcoholic. Thinking too much about the war and my experiences there make me wicked depressed. So, on paper, I have a fairly acute case of PTSD.
But, in the process of putting my book together, reading my old journal entries from before I joined the Army, I'm realizing that I was fucked up already. Maybe the war made me a little worse, but I was a depressed, socially awkward, alcoholic little shit long before I became a soldier and went to war. So it would be dishonest to blame all my problems on my experiences there.
That is the premise of my book, I think... I'm not trying to discount anyone's PTSD by any means; only my own. And who knows, maybe the book will change. At this point in the process I've only compiled all my writings. I have several thousand pages of unpolished, shitty whinings that now need to be aggressively edited into something that makes some sense and may shed some light on the whole war thing. Maybe.
The problem is that reading what i've written over the last ten years drags me down into the horrible mental state in which I lived for all those years. I can only handle an hour or two of work per week, and even that kicks my ass hard. Seriously. So we shall see if anything happens with this project or if I simply have to scrap it to protect my sanity.
That is all.
Dave
But, in the process of putting my book together, reading my old journal entries from before I joined the Army, I'm realizing that I was fucked up already. Maybe the war made me a little worse, but I was a depressed, socially awkward, alcoholic little shit long before I became a soldier and went to war. So it would be dishonest to blame all my problems on my experiences there.
That is the premise of my book, I think... I'm not trying to discount anyone's PTSD by any means; only my own. And who knows, maybe the book will change. At this point in the process I've only compiled all my writings. I have several thousand pages of unpolished, shitty whinings that now need to be aggressively edited into something that makes some sense and may shed some light on the whole war thing. Maybe.
The problem is that reading what i've written over the last ten years drags me down into the horrible mental state in which I lived for all those years. I can only handle an hour or two of work per week, and even that kicks my ass hard. Seriously. So we shall see if anything happens with this project or if I simply have to scrap it to protect my sanity.
That is all.
Dave