hotbonbon

So here I am in our tiny, chaotic office beside my sleeping son's room. I'm here by chance, but probably necessity. I'm trying to refigure out who I am. I've been a new mother for 14 months. It feels like I should have the hang of this by now, but I am not convinced I do. I look at other people with kid/s and wonder, "How are you not completely insane? How are you up, showered, fed and dressed by noon? Why are you not in an asylum?" Everything changes. How cliche. But it does. The words mean nothing unless you experience it. It's the most profound thing ever. I used to think that some authority would come along after 6-8 months and take him away and say:" Good job! Fun huh? Now get on with your life the way it was with your independence, freedom and long showers and treasure the memories of these past months. Bye. And thanks! You did an above average job of raising him." The doorbell has yet to ring. The kid is still here. Is this what permanence is? The longest non-familial relationship I've ever had was with a cat. Distant 2nd was a couple of 3 year boyfriends. This child person will be a part of me and life for.....eh....ever.WHAT? I didn't sign up for that. Or did I? Now I can't figure out who I am. Oh, right. I'm a fairly burnt out housewife and mother who is feeling intermittently sorry for myself, reminding myself how lucky I am to be at home with my child. True enough. But our realities are our own. I can't figure out if I'm in a rut or a tailspin. Maybe starting to ask myself some questions would help. I really want to do this differently. Be the coolest mom in the world - or at least the 'hood. My husband and I are, after all, just kids still at 37-41. Feel compelled to be supermom/wife. It ain't happening. Resent the feeling to do so but still want to somehow. Need bigger purpose in life. Have lots of potential with our life projects (more on THAT later.....daunting), but need to find my groove. STELLA!!! I have some misplace faith that talking to others in the same boat will help me with my perspective. Also need to do some energy work and reconnect with me because the mere mortal me is covered in various toddler excretions and parts of his meals. I've become what I mocked. Justice or irony?