horus73

Well,

It's been a while since I last updated, and really-the last journal entry was quite depressing to boot.

But, I can't say really, that I feel better about anything. Though I try, I still continue to struggle with everything.

I do believe in karma-and I realize, that mayhaps I haven't been the best I could be in life. Granted, I have always tried to be honest with people, I find comfort in that. I'm just finding out, that trust is one of those things someone earns. And yeah, if they fuck that up, well...then it's probably never going to be the same again.

I know, what's been done to me is wrong-and they know that to. Yet, they continue in their sharade and try to be happy-they appear to be happy-and as vindictive as it may sound-I know that eventually, they will both realize what they did was completely wrong and dishonest, and that in fact, they've been lying to themselves to make themselves feel better. I know that eventually, once they do realize it...it will make them realize just how unhappy they are-how in fact, they contributed to hurting someone so badly, that they can't stand it.

Maybe they won't either, maybe they'll continue to lie to themselves for the rest of their lives, who knows. Eventually, life will pay them back though. And I know that sounds horrible, and mean and cruel, but at least I can say I've been honest about everything, that I haven't tried to decieve anyone.

ANd yeah, you know-I realize how Erin and I started our relationship. I was seeing someone at the time-though not a serious relationship, it ended before we really started. But I ws honest with her, I told her what was going on right away-as I knew the guilt or deception would have hurt both of us worse. So I find comfort in that, knowing at least I was honest.

Has karma struck me back? Yeah, I think so-and if this is the pain I'm to endure for being honest, well-I hate to see how karma strikes Erin and her new beau.

I honestly think, they convinced themselves that what they were doing wasn't wrong-I think they did that to help themselves make themselves feel better. But deep down, they weren't honest about it. They purposely lied to themselves to make themselves feel better. Perhaps we're all gilty of that though.

And I can't blame them for feeling as they did-we're all human after all, and have feelings we can't control-but for fuck's sake-be fucking honest about it...

Wow, another fanfuckingtastic journal entry-but venting again, and writing about it helps...