Another depressing journal entry-but truat me, it's more depressing for me than it will be for you.
Last night, as the powers of fate should be, I found something out that not only hurt, but also destroyed me at the same time.
What is it? You may ask, well here's the story as best I can tell it:
Four months ago or so, Erin-whom if you read my journal entries, you would know is my ex-but 4 months ago, when this all started and we were still together-this is what happened to the best of my memory.
Erin: Chris, I have to ask you something, ok?
Me: Of course, what is it?
Erin: Is it ok if I go out with Ryan(a guy we work with at work) after work for coffee?
Me: Sure, he's a nice guy, you guys are friends right?
Erin: Yeah, he wants to show me where he gets his blueberry muffins, his secret spot.
Me
Laughing) ok, I have no problem with that-I'll find something to do until you get back
Erinkisses me) Ok, I don't think you have anything to worry about
And so on and so forth. We honestly, both thought the guy was gay-had no problem with it mind you. But I also didn't feel threatened or weirded out either, because he is a nice guy-and he knew Erin and I were together.
Well, she never came home that night-she calls me the next morning, after their blueberry adventure. She sounded tired, but she seemed very happy to talk to me about their after dinner chat.
She starts telling me about what a good artist he is, and how we shoul dget togther and talk about it sometime. And I do end up doing that-exchanging sketchbooks and such, and talking on several occassions about art.
The following week, when I'm driving home from work, I get a text message.
as follows: I'm going out with Ryan again after work, I'll calll you when I'm done, it shouldn't be long.
Hmmm, well I heard nothing of this previous, but I think she doesn't need my permission to do whatever she likes, so I think nothing of it. I leave my phone on, expecting her to call me in a couple of hours. Five hours pass, it's now 3am, and no call.
So, i call her voicemail and leave here a message-good night and sweetest dreams and such, explain how I'm going to bed because I'm tired.
She calls me the next morning, mad at the voicemail i left. She says my voice wasn't a friendly one-which it probably wasn't-I was a little confused and upset I suppose, so my voice was shaky.
We talk a while longer on the phone, and then she says she wants to come over. We fart around on the computer, looking for gloves for her halloween costume and find some. It's getting closer to work, so I let my parents dog out-as that's where we're at, and let him back in-and Erin has this dazed look on her face. I ask her what's up...
Erin: Chris, remember when we said we'd be honest about our feelings for each other?
Me: Yes, what is it
Erin: I love you so much Chris, but I think we need some space, I'm started to get freaked out about this marriage thing, and being together so much.
Mestunned, as I never brought up the marraige thing, it was her idea)Ok, why now? How long have you been feeling this way?
Erin:A little while, I don't know, after the wedding last weekend I guess.
We had gone to her Uncle's wedding the weekend previous
Me: Ok, yeah, I guess a lot of people were asking us when we were going to get married-I never like that either.
ANd they were, I had started to get to know more of her family, and they seem nice, and want to include me in such things as family stuff.
And we talk more and more about ourselves and our relationship. We cry to, which I don't do that often-well, didn't do that often until then.
We agree to spend time away,but still date and be honest with each other.
We text each other that night, about what we're doing and such, we go to Walmart togther to get some shit..and it seems to be ok for me, at least for a while.
Then, the following week-she comes over to watch some TV. After we're done, we start talking, and the subject of us and space comes up again.
She needs more space, and I guess I was calling her a lot to talk and such-as I missed that and wasn't used to being home alone by myself-after dating her for over a year, and being together the entire time.
So I apologize, and agree to give her moire space-and she says she thinks we need to back up to just friendship again. Which is hard to hear, but well worth it I think-as I love her so much.
And we do that. We hang out once or twice a week-pack one lunch for each other one day of the week, and it seems to be going ok.
It was hard some nights, not knowing what's going on in her head-but I trust her, and tell myself to be strong.
Well anyway, last night I found out a different story. Worse yet, not from her-but a third party. With evidence to I might add-that this entire time, she in fact, has been seeing this Ryan guy she went out with while we were still together.
I did ask her if he had anything to do with our separation, and she says no-that they were just friends.
I'm not sure what to believe now-as this entire four months, he's neevr been mentioned. I'm assuming she didn't want to hurt my feelings-and yeah, probably didn't want to look like a bad person either. But when I find out from a third party that hey, yeah, it's a fact....it fucking hurts.
ANyway, that's my story for now. I haven't talked to Erin about it yet, but will...
Last night, as the powers of fate should be, I found something out that not only hurt, but also destroyed me at the same time.
What is it? You may ask, well here's the story as best I can tell it:
Four months ago or so, Erin-whom if you read my journal entries, you would know is my ex-but 4 months ago, when this all started and we were still together-this is what happened to the best of my memory.
Erin: Chris, I have to ask you something, ok?
Me: Of course, what is it?
Erin: Is it ok if I go out with Ryan(a guy we work with at work) after work for coffee?
Me: Sure, he's a nice guy, you guys are friends right?
Erin: Yeah, he wants to show me where he gets his blueberry muffins, his secret spot.
Me
Laughing) ok, I have no problem with that-I'll find something to do until you get back
Erin
kisses me) Ok, I don't think you have anything to worry about
And so on and so forth. We honestly, both thought the guy was gay-had no problem with it mind you. But I also didn't feel threatened or weirded out either, because he is a nice guy-and he knew Erin and I were together.
Well, she never came home that night-she calls me the next morning, after their blueberry adventure. She sounded tired, but she seemed very happy to talk to me about their after dinner chat.
She starts telling me about what a good artist he is, and how we shoul dget togther and talk about it sometime. And I do end up doing that-exchanging sketchbooks and such, and talking on several occassions about art.
The following week, when I'm driving home from work, I get a text message.
as follows: I'm going out with Ryan again after work, I'll calll you when I'm done, it shouldn't be long.
Hmmm, well I heard nothing of this previous, but I think she doesn't need my permission to do whatever she likes, so I think nothing of it. I leave my phone on, expecting her to call me in a couple of hours. Five hours pass, it's now 3am, and no call.
So, i call her voicemail and leave here a message-good night and sweetest dreams and such, explain how I'm going to bed because I'm tired.
She calls me the next morning, mad at the voicemail i left. She says my voice wasn't a friendly one-which it probably wasn't-I was a little confused and upset I suppose, so my voice was shaky.
We talk a while longer on the phone, and then she says she wants to come over. We fart around on the computer, looking for gloves for her halloween costume and find some. It's getting closer to work, so I let my parents dog out-as that's where we're at, and let him back in-and Erin has this dazed look on her face. I ask her what's up...
Erin: Chris, remember when we said we'd be honest about our feelings for each other?
Me: Yes, what is it
Erin: I love you so much Chris, but I think we need some space, I'm started to get freaked out about this marriage thing, and being together so much.
Me
stunned, as I never brought up the marraige thing, it was her idea)Ok, why now? How long have you been feeling this way?
Erin:A little while, I don't know, after the wedding last weekend I guess.
We had gone to her Uncle's wedding the weekend previous
Me: Ok, yeah, I guess a lot of people were asking us when we were going to get married-I never like that either.
ANd they were, I had started to get to know more of her family, and they seem nice, and want to include me in such things as family stuff.
And we talk more and more about ourselves and our relationship. We cry to, which I don't do that often-well, didn't do that often until then.
We agree to spend time away,but still date and be honest with each other.
We text each other that night, about what we're doing and such, we go to Walmart togther to get some shit..and it seems to be ok for me, at least for a while.
Then, the following week-she comes over to watch some TV. After we're done, we start talking, and the subject of us and space comes up again.
She needs more space, and I guess I was calling her a lot to talk and such-as I missed that and wasn't used to being home alone by myself-after dating her for over a year, and being together the entire time.
So I apologize, and agree to give her moire space-and she says she thinks we need to back up to just friendship again. Which is hard to hear, but well worth it I think-as I love her so much.
And we do that. We hang out once or twice a week-pack one lunch for each other one day of the week, and it seems to be going ok.
It was hard some nights, not knowing what's going on in her head-but I trust her, and tell myself to be strong.
Well anyway, last night I found out a different story. Worse yet, not from her-but a third party. With evidence to I might add-that this entire time, she in fact, has been seeing this Ryan guy she went out with while we were still together.
I did ask her if he had anything to do with our separation, and she says no-that they were just friends.
I'm not sure what to believe now-as this entire four months, he's neevr been mentioned. I'm assuming she didn't want to hurt my feelings-and yeah, probably didn't want to look like a bad person either. But when I find out from a third party that hey, yeah, it's a fact....it fucking hurts.
ANyway, that's my story for now. I haven't talked to Erin about it yet, but will...