horrorgoespop

why am i so doomed!?! im in a new relationship that is exactly like all the old relationships. and the only way i can connnect to anything real is by thinking back on past quotes and songs and movies. its like the scene in high fidelity... when jon cusacks character desides to rehash the past with his old girlfriends to figure out why he himself is so fucked up. im so close to calling the girl who got angry angry because i wouldnt spend the night or the one who cheated on me with the rock and roller or the one who stole my inosence on a less than better night. i deserve better then i am being treated! i deserve better than they have treated me and they know it. being bestfriends with an ex is the best... good talks and great moments recreating why she compares you to all her other lovers next to you. the truth.. then sympathy sex. dont feel sorry for us. we certainly dont. her answer to my delima, im too nice. this has always mindfucked me. how is this a real answer to any problem!!!! i treat some one right. then im an ass. i respect the new found glory in my life, she plays games with me in return to see if im faithfull!!!! (im practiclly hammering the keys as i type this). the truth is that all us "nice guys" need to understand and come to grips is that. its. our. own. fault. we create a facade. a mirage. and its because we dont have the backbone to stand up for ourselves. today i decided to be a man and face up to this. yeah, we are the good ones out there! we are a catch!! and women are to blind to see this untill its too late. i let my girlfriend know this some little time ago and got my shit together. in response, she broke up with me. sighting that she was not good enough for me. tonight i type this as my prey from the bar tonight sleeps asunder in my bed. hell no i feel any guilt. im not a pussy any more.; (though i vow not to whore myself out also) its that one can only lie to themselves for so long and feel sorry for themselves untill a proactive and positive change is self-initiated in ones life. and god am i gratefull that i learned this lesson early. needless to say... yeah, i will go on that soul searching, mundane, and idiotic mission of finding out where things went wrong, but i already have the answer to the questions now... and that is a scarry, but empowering thought.

p.s. anouck is angelic and needs to be on the lookout for me the next time i decide to flee my country to go north for political intrests