horrordarling

Well, you could always try no sex! It's working for me! really, NO REALLY!!! ARRGGH!!!

Sometimes when I read about other people's achievements...like scientist/grand artist and wonder what it would be like to be insanely brillant, researching ground breaking work in quatum physics or nanotechnology or writing beautiful books/creating masterpieces or doing some ground breaking research on a subject. I like to think I am capable of doing something outstanding one day, but then if it were between that and truly being happy I would have to choose the latter. I dunno, before I use to wonder what would it be like to be very tall, manilish looking and white. Most of my friends when I was much younger, where white studdy boys that took after shows like 91210 or what not and always seem top get the girls (whom were white as well). Though I wasnt pissed at white people (its not there fault where we choose to live), being in a white culture did fuck with mental images of myself and my physical attraction. I started having doubts on how I look..how stupid I feel cause my eyes were different or my nose or my skin...I think I still carry some those scars today (still think i'm number 2 la la la weep weep weep)..but hey they are pretty insignficant. I feel much better of realizing whom I am now,,,and I guess I feels special that I've always looked dffierent from the blonde hair blue eye boys who always seem to get blonde hair blue eye girls. Sometimes I hang out with very gorgeous people (with thier cheessy accents and all)...with looks to die for..but its not like I would hump them anymore than some young libarian behind the desk...I have a much more appreciation of a deeper beauty (depending what that deep beauty is really makes a difference..not thier flesh!!) among people and unfortantly that has allowed me to find attraction in almost anyone I encountered.

I love libras...if you want to have a fucked up sign than be an aquari for a day.

Yesturday I finally went to the dentist..luckily I all i needed was a cleaning,,but god do I hate people in masks fucking around with my mouth..yea med/dental bill suck major ass.

mmm that sounds like a cool game...I need to look for it sometime...getting tired of grand theft.

I wish it were cooler here...its so damn hot all the time.

the lady vanishes...

good song!

May I recommend watching the movie "Office Space"? I was in a place a few years ago, where I actually was "Working for myself" as a CTO of a small startup. Anyway, the CEO was a megalomaniac, and I watched this movie over and over and finally quit my job. I was unemployed for 6 months but it was really eye opening.

A lot of us do things we don't to do. I hope you "follow your dreams" as it were, but sometimes working for yourself just doesn't work out. I hope it does for you, if that is what you want, you just need to jump.

As for school. Forget it man... It is an endless cycle... Ask yourself what you would really like to be doing, and then ask if a degree will help you get there. In my case (Computer nerd) I could have taught the computer classes they offered in 1989 (when I was in school! haha).

I hope things get better. Maybe you and your boyfriend should go out together and be social and put all the rest of that stuff on the back burner.

All the best,

-illy

I dont know you too well, but I think you are feeling much like my friends. There are 2 truths in this matter (I live in a similar one) that has helped me find some origins and made me feel entirely in control of the situation..1) you are young like me...you have time.... I'm 26, I dropped out of high school and dropped out of college, but I said fuck it and went back....which leads to the other 2) You have the right to choice. Now, I know this doesnt probably help, but realize the power of choice is a very powerful thing anyone can have. So you got some bills, but you are not bankrupt, you have no kids to feed and I'm assuming you are not in legal trouble. Remember there are people far worse,... dont I know, I tell myself that to drive on. I can't tell you to go to college; you have to make that choice. I love what I studied for but I made a lot of sacrifices..., I'm financially in college debt...and ...emotionally my mom died of cancer and I wasnt able to spend but the last 2 remaining days with her because I had finals. My mom and I, at the moment, were becoming closer and well you know it was hard knowing she was getting weaker day by day while I was stuck in school (but she wanted me to be there). Anyhow, I can tell you this...I dont think I have any regrets that I accomplished a degree, especially in something I believe in. Yea I am in a huge college debt (which is good debt), I was an a-honored student (completed all 225 credit hours in half the time) yet my college wont release my master degree because I still owe them money and I havent found that perfect job. A lot of pain and sacrifices for nothing huh? Well at times I feel that way but the truth,I am still young, I got some time. Before I was a fucked up, a drop-out who didnt give a crap about anything, but luckily I found something within my horrible depths. I also have the power of choice to believe that what I did, putting all my time to become an architect, was not for the money and success (in the past and now) but for what I feel would be my path to make a difference in the world. You know what? I'm still going to follow it after all the pain and do what I got to do. Good luck, you are a bright and beautiful woman. Im sorry to hear about your friend.

[Edited on Nov 03, 2003 5:02PM]

Totally!

Yea I got my first one when I turned 18, I was trashed and it was a bloddy mess. However, almost 10 years later, I'm glad I decided to do something very basic at the time so I can add to it.

Growing up sucks!

Thats it, I am making you go out soon! Anyone down for Streets of London Wednesday night? (28th Oct)