my uncle died on friday, and it reminded me of my dad. he died last feb. and now i'll share with you, the events of his passing. . (this oughta be fun!)
first, some background info.. .
my father has been and was until he died, a heroin/methadone addict ever since he was 14 years old. he went to soledad prison for manslaughter when he was 17, got out when he was 19 and then met my mom a few years later. (she obviously likes the bad boys) they were only together for a short time. (there's much more horrific details into their realtionship, and if you really wanna know , just ask)
he's never worked anywhere for longer than like 6 months, he's never lived on his own, for more than 6 months. he's always lived with my grandparents (who have also deceased) who cooked his meals and bought him cartons of camels. when i went to visit him, every summer, it was my grandparents that took care of me. . now , my dad wasn't a bad guy, he never , ever laid a hand on me. . he was always happy to see me, and i have very found memories of him spelling out words in the dark, with the cherry of his cigarette making tracers at night when we went to sleep. (something i'll never be able to share with my son, due to the second hand noise you hear about.)
he'd be cool for a coupla days, and then gradually, get more and more depressed , until finally he'd disappear for like 3 or 4 days , and then return , quite happy, and then the cycle would repeat itself. this . . was his entire life.. .
anyhow, when he died (of lung cancer, which he didn't seek treatment for) me, my mom and son went to l.a. to attend the funeral. . they had a special spot picked out for me and my son in the front row. . and my mom was sitting across the aisle from us, and i'm all "fuck that" so i invite my mom to sit next to us. like it should be. so anyways, on of my uncles has his pastor from his church do the eulogy (or whatever it's called) and this guy's . .holy-roller extraordinaire, and at one point asks everybody to close their eyes, and if they want to accept jesus into their hearts, to just "raise your hand" and i'm looking at my son, and we're almost about to start bustin' up, because of the ridiculousness of it all. and then , finally , he says. ."would anybody like to say something on behalf of the departed, please come up now" now i knew this moment was coming and being his only child , i knew i was expected to say something. . and i thought about it and decided, there's no way in hell, i can go up there and say anything positive. . . so there's this 'completely awkward silence, and nobody makes a move to say anything., , then all of a sudden my dad's girlfriend before he died (shrugs, yes he had a girlfriend) starts sobbing hysterically and runs out of the room!
which made everything even more uncomfortable. .
so the pastor says finally , and now alan (my uncle) would like to play a song on his guitar for you. . and he sings this song called "come as you are" and i'm thinking, only christains would steal a nirvana song and make it their own. and i'm also thinking , i better fuckin' say something. .to cut through all this tension. so i go up to the pastor and tell him i decided to say something. . ok so i'm on. . and i say a little something nice about dad, but then say "what i'd really like to say is that i'm sorry i missed grandpo's and grandma's funerals, and how much i missed them and i loved them , and that they were the one's that actually took care of me, when i visited my dad" and that was that. .
so at the funeral party later , i teased everybody , that i saw them raise their hands when the pastor asked everyone to close their eyes and raise their hands if they wanted to accept jesus. . everyone denied it. . but some admitted they were almost tempted!
wasn't that a nice story?
just wanted to share
i've never cried about my father passing , which is complete craziness, because as i've stated b4, i'm a huge cry-baby that teared up when data died on the latest star trek movie!
i did cry though, to alkaline trio's "continental"
because it reminds me of having to wait in the car when my dad went to the methadone clinic everyday.
thanks for listening!
first, some background info.. .
my father has been and was until he died, a heroin/methadone addict ever since he was 14 years old. he went to soledad prison for manslaughter when he was 17, got out when he was 19 and then met my mom a few years later. (she obviously likes the bad boys) they were only together for a short time. (there's much more horrific details into their realtionship, and if you really wanna know , just ask)
he's never worked anywhere for longer than like 6 months, he's never lived on his own, for more than 6 months. he's always lived with my grandparents (who have also deceased) who cooked his meals and bought him cartons of camels. when i went to visit him, every summer, it was my grandparents that took care of me. . now , my dad wasn't a bad guy, he never , ever laid a hand on me. . he was always happy to see me, and i have very found memories of him spelling out words in the dark, with the cherry of his cigarette making tracers at night when we went to sleep. (something i'll never be able to share with my son, due to the second hand noise you hear about.)
he'd be cool for a coupla days, and then gradually, get more and more depressed , until finally he'd disappear for like 3 or 4 days , and then return , quite happy, and then the cycle would repeat itself. this . . was his entire life.. .
anyhow, when he died (of lung cancer, which he didn't seek treatment for) me, my mom and son went to l.a. to attend the funeral. . they had a special spot picked out for me and my son in the front row. . and my mom was sitting across the aisle from us, and i'm all "fuck that" so i invite my mom to sit next to us. like it should be. so anyways, on of my uncles has his pastor from his church do the eulogy (or whatever it's called) and this guy's . .holy-roller extraordinaire, and at one point asks everybody to close their eyes, and if they want to accept jesus into their hearts, to just "raise your hand" and i'm looking at my son, and we're almost about to start bustin' up, because of the ridiculousness of it all. and then , finally , he says. ."would anybody like to say something on behalf of the departed, please come up now" now i knew this moment was coming and being his only child , i knew i was expected to say something. . and i thought about it and decided, there's no way in hell, i can go up there and say anything positive. . . so there's this 'completely awkward silence, and nobody makes a move to say anything., , then all of a sudden my dad's girlfriend before he died (shrugs, yes he had a girlfriend) starts sobbing hysterically and runs out of the room!
which made everything even more uncomfortable. .
so the pastor says finally , and now alan (my uncle) would like to play a song on his guitar for you. . and he sings this song called "come as you are" and i'm thinking, only christains would steal a nirvana song and make it their own. and i'm also thinking , i better fuckin' say something. .to cut through all this tension. so i go up to the pastor and tell him i decided to say something. . ok so i'm on. . and i say a little something nice about dad, but then say "what i'd really like to say is that i'm sorry i missed grandpo's and grandma's funerals, and how much i missed them and i loved them , and that they were the one's that actually took care of me, when i visited my dad" and that was that. .
so at the funeral party later , i teased everybody , that i saw them raise their hands when the pastor asked everyone to close their eyes and raise their hands if they wanted to accept jesus. . everyone denied it. . but some admitted they were almost tempted!
wasn't that a nice story?
just wanted to share
i've never cried about my father passing , which is complete craziness, because as i've stated b4, i'm a huge cry-baby that teared up when data died on the latest star trek movie!
i did cry though, to alkaline trio's "continental"
because it reminds me of having to wait in the car when my dad went to the methadone clinic everyday.
thanks for listening!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I wish I could hug you! I have a feeling you will probably say you dont NEED a hug. But... I understand why you dont cry. I dont cry either. Broken hearts, broken bones, broken promises, broken down cars... the only tears I have shed in my life have been out of anger or extreme joy/thankfulness. And most of those have been cried alone where other people cant see me break. On the few occasions that people did see those it was only because there was NOTHING to smash. I call them meltdowns.
Amazing grace (on bagpipes) makes me cry. Music feeds my soul and rescues it as well. some of my friends arent people at all. *SMILE*
I hope you find some closure in the GOOD times.
[Edited on Sep 23, 2003]
How was your "tommorrow"?