honeylust

I am out of school right now, but I totally feel like I am being schooled in regards to myself, and who I am.


This whole "not being a smoker" is really showing me that I do not have my shit together like I thought I did, that I am still this shy, awkrad girl, and that for the most part, I am a big old pussy. Somehow, I made cigarettes my safety net, the thing to hold my hand when I was alone in a crowd-that is a lot by the way. Now that I am constantly trying to send them packing, I feel as if I have lost my best friend..a best friend who was a real fucking pain mind you, but there is still a loss there, and I am hurting.

I went longer yesterday-20 hours. Four hours short of being 24 hours into my detox and I went abnd yet again baught another pack of stogs.

I want a cigarette right now, but I am not going to have one. I want a smoke, but I don't want me, this person I have become, and for the first time in awhile, I am really disgusted by myself, and I really hate myself, and I know that smoking is addiction, but thats no excuse-why don;t I love me enough to save me.

I need some more water. Now that I have gone hors without the stogs, when I do smoke, the smell bothers me, and my throat really feels it.

I am twenty two and I have been in this "adult" thing for a bit now, but I still do not have the hang of it, I still am looking out for someone to guide me, which is really ridiculous, because I never grew up with much guidence.

I still a big old baby.