Weak and Powerless
If Ii imagen myself at the ages of 3 or 4 with a cigarette in hand, leaning against some buildings wall, my face in a scowl, all I want to do, is pick myself up and shake myself and scream "what are you doing??!!!"
I went yesterday from 12 in the afternoon, to 6:30 in the morning, right now, without one cigarette. Thats what? eighteen hours.
I just woke this morning, after a night of crying and crying..yes, again, and I had to have my coffee, and the ooffee was disgusting, yet, I still baught the pack. I just abught the dman pack and thought, "no, no don't do it." and I feel like some sort of junkie, cause Ii know this has got to end, and I care and my body needs me to be strong, but I just am weak, and I fell, and I have smoked my first cigarette after eighteen hours.
Who am I if I am not a smoker. Its part of a persona I have for myself, and maybe thats the problem. I think I have spent so much of my life, creating a charater for me, someone that I could be, someone, I would feel safe in, changing her feels scary. Not liek I am a fake, but this smoking, black wearing, scwoloing person, she doesn't get hurt, she doesn't care if no one sits next to her in the cafeteria you know???
I don't know who this non smoker girl is, all I know is that she is really lonley, aparently has low self esteem, and is not very good at doing this "living thing." I want to quit, I want to be free of this, and I keep praying and praying, and it worked, cause I made it through the last night, and last night felt awful, but now, its morning and I just was like "I hate myself, and I am gonna smoke now."
Does anybody have any suggestions, cause I don't want to be this person anymore, how did I get so dependent?
If Ii imagen myself at the ages of 3 or 4 with a cigarette in hand, leaning against some buildings wall, my face in a scowl, all I want to do, is pick myself up and shake myself and scream "what are you doing??!!!"
I went yesterday from 12 in the afternoon, to 6:30 in the morning, right now, without one cigarette. Thats what? eighteen hours.
I just woke this morning, after a night of crying and crying..yes, again, and I had to have my coffee, and the ooffee was disgusting, yet, I still baught the pack. I just abught the dman pack and thought, "no, no don't do it." and I feel like some sort of junkie, cause Ii know this has got to end, and I care and my body needs me to be strong, but I just am weak, and I fell, and I have smoked my first cigarette after eighteen hours.
Who am I if I am not a smoker. Its part of a persona I have for myself, and maybe thats the problem. I think I have spent so much of my life, creating a charater for me, someone that I could be, someone, I would feel safe in, changing her feels scary. Not liek I am a fake, but this smoking, black wearing, scwoloing person, she doesn't get hurt, she doesn't care if no one sits next to her in the cafeteria you know???
I don't know who this non smoker girl is, all I know is that she is really lonley, aparently has low self esteem, and is not very good at doing this "living thing." I want to quit, I want to be free of this, and I keep praying and praying, and it worked, cause I made it through the last night, and last night felt awful, but now, its morning and I just was like "I hate myself, and I am gonna smoke now."
Does anybody have any suggestions, cause I don't want to be this person anymore, how did I get so dependent?