Mmmmm......I love peanut butter ala Jif Creamy stlye and green apples, and pretzel sticks. So fucking good.
Thanks all for the comments of support and welcome and the remarks of me being "hot". Totoally makes me feel better, and less anal retentive, which I have been feeling alot these two days on account of me making a consious desicion to quit smoking.
Today I had four smokes from 5:45 am-9 am. Thats big for me, since I smoke like 6-9 smokes from the hours of 7-10.
At the gym I was thinking and meditating/praying about this change, and when I was gonna be 100% smoke free.
I was smoking 30 smokes a day before-yesterday I had 14, and today I have had 12 so far..
At some point it hit me it would me shit-my efforts until I was smoke free, and so I went home and in complete hysrerics-yes, yelling, moaning, crying like a mad women, I flushed my remaining pack in the toilet. Thats 16 cigarettes. Then I cried and cried and cried, and then I drove and drove, and pulled over to a 7'11 and baught another pack. After I smoked 2 smokes in a row, I saw this was gooing to be a even longer process the I thouht.
Ii just feel like such a fucking loser-I am a loser. I don't think this about other smokers, but just myself. I am in hysterics over trying to save my life for Gods sake. What does that say about me???? I am so fucking weak, and yes, this is a humbling moment, cause I always am the first to coach people on how they can be the best they can be, and I see once again, first hand, it aint easy.
On the plus side, I ran today..something I never do as part of my work out. I worked out a extra 40 mintues today, and that was fun. Running felt like flying to me after all theses years. I had a eating disorder for several years, and I damaged my knees, so I never run, but just speed walk. But I tried it yesterday and it felt great, and I did it again today, and I hope that maybe I will be able to job a mile without stopping by the summer.
Right now I have two dollars to my name, but I have my water and peanut butter so I am ok. They were worth the money.
I dropped a bunch of clothes at the salvaton army, which was a first for me. I was in my closet the other day and I was like "If I have no clothes how come theres no room for new shit in here??" so I cleaned out the whole thing, and seperated all the pieces I never wear and proably won't again. After lettling my best girl sort threw them, we drove and dropped them off-after I washed them and shit, I aint about to drop off stank clothes!!
Now it's 8:45 and I don't know how I will fill in the next few hours before bedtime. TV is crappy tonight, and I have been sitting at a computer a good chunk of my day.
I need to go see my dad, but after, when I am back at my own crib, I think I am just going to read. I have been having this new interst with Jesus and his 40 day stay in the wilderness. I am also interested in Ghandis 40 day fast, amd other people who have abstained from stuff-I guess I feel like I can relate to them even though Ii am not abstaining from shit, yet. I just need to have something to think of when I am feeoling weak.
Believe me, I feel weak.
Crazy Love
Thanks all for the comments of support and welcome and the remarks of me being "hot". Totoally makes me feel better, and less anal retentive, which I have been feeling alot these two days on account of me making a consious desicion to quit smoking.
Today I had four smokes from 5:45 am-9 am. Thats big for me, since I smoke like 6-9 smokes from the hours of 7-10.
At the gym I was thinking and meditating/praying about this change, and when I was gonna be 100% smoke free.
I was smoking 30 smokes a day before-yesterday I had 14, and today I have had 12 so far..
At some point it hit me it would me shit-my efforts until I was smoke free, and so I went home and in complete hysrerics-yes, yelling, moaning, crying like a mad women, I flushed my remaining pack in the toilet. Thats 16 cigarettes. Then I cried and cried and cried, and then I drove and drove, and pulled over to a 7'11 and baught another pack. After I smoked 2 smokes in a row, I saw this was gooing to be a even longer process the I thouht.
Ii just feel like such a fucking loser-I am a loser. I don't think this about other smokers, but just myself. I am in hysterics over trying to save my life for Gods sake. What does that say about me???? I am so fucking weak, and yes, this is a humbling moment, cause I always am the first to coach people on how they can be the best they can be, and I see once again, first hand, it aint easy.
On the plus side, I ran today..something I never do as part of my work out. I worked out a extra 40 mintues today, and that was fun. Running felt like flying to me after all theses years. I had a eating disorder for several years, and I damaged my knees, so I never run, but just speed walk. But I tried it yesterday and it felt great, and I did it again today, and I hope that maybe I will be able to job a mile without stopping by the summer.
Right now I have two dollars to my name, but I have my water and peanut butter so I am ok. They were worth the money.
I dropped a bunch of clothes at the salvaton army, which was a first for me. I was in my closet the other day and I was like "If I have no clothes how come theres no room for new shit in here??" so I cleaned out the whole thing, and seperated all the pieces I never wear and proably won't again. After lettling my best girl sort threw them, we drove and dropped them off-after I washed them and shit, I aint about to drop off stank clothes!!
Now it's 8:45 and I don't know how I will fill in the next few hours before bedtime. TV is crappy tonight, and I have been sitting at a computer a good chunk of my day.
I need to go see my dad, but after, when I am back at my own crib, I think I am just going to read. I have been having this new interst with Jesus and his 40 day stay in the wilderness. I am also interested in Ghandis 40 day fast, amd other people who have abstained from stuff-I guess I feel like I can relate to them even though Ii am not abstaining from shit, yet. I just need to have something to think of when I am feeoling weak.
Believe me, I feel weak.
Crazy Love