LESSONS LEARNED: #1
MONEY...
I've always had a strange relationship to money.
Thing is...my mother always had it. She paid for all the lessons I wanted as a kid...sent me to sleep away camp every summer since I was 8 years old. That kind of thing. She wouldn't buy me new clothes though or anything, although she'd come home every day with new things. I don't know that I resented it so much as I just didn't understand...
As a kid, she'd never let me get a job, claiming I didn't need to work. This went on for years...until after I was 14 and a ward of the state. My first job was as a lifeguard while in juvie. Although, whenever I'd come home for vacations (if she'd even allow me to do that) she'd insist I get a job. Not that it was possible to find a job for a week or two.
When I wanted to work, she wouldn't let me. When it wasn't logical for me to work, she'd insist on it.
As I grew older, and things between us got worse...she always held her money over my head. Throwing in my face all the lessons she paid for...saying that I'd never run away because I'd never be able to get financial aid for school (and i was too smart to not go to school).
And she's right...as things continued to get worse the only reason I kept in contact with her was for her money. To use her as a 'cash cow' as she so loved to say. I'd deny it, of course, but it was true. I wanted an education...
When I was in college and inherited some money from my Pop-pop's life insurance...I took the money and ran. As usual, I did the responsible thing and invested it. I bought myself a bedroom set and sent myself on a weeklong cruise after running the marathon. What was left over went directly into mutual funds and I successfully lived off that money for the next three years. And promptly tried to declare my independence from the woman. It lasted about a year and then we started speaking again, sorta by accident, but that's another story.
One year my mother offered to pay my taxes for me. Unsure as to where this offer was coming from and declaring that I was an adult and needed to learn how to do these things on my own, declined.
As it turned out...she'd taken a bond in my name and spent it. And since it was in my name I would have been responsible for paying the taxes on it. She hadn't wanted to tell me she'd spent it...so she'd offered to pay all my taxes instead.
A hand well played, Miss Holliday...because she had to return the money to me, to the tune of $20,000...which I invested again, and lived off of...
***
In regards to money of my own...I'd chosen a noble career in the social services...knowing I wouldn't make any money worth mentioning. I'd learned that money was evil and I didn't want any part of it.
After four years in the field...barely making ends meet, ruining my credit, and nearly starving to death...I made a decision...I quit.
***
I chose instead to face down these deeply ingrained fears and beliefs about money...and went ahead and registered for technical school.
Despite the fact that I was CONVINCED she'd been right, that there wouldn't be any financial help for me...I filled out my FASFA forms and prayed for a miracle. And it came...loans and financial aid covered all but this 8k balance I have.
I packed my things into a minivan and took off into the sunset...leaving everything behind.
***
In regards to the money I might be making in the future...I found myself leaning towards another career that would have ended me being over worked and underpaid...but more creative than my alternatives.
But after sitting here in the dark eating cold spaghettios out of a can crying about my impending eviction...I made another decision.
To make money. As much money as possible. Because suddenly I realized how I'd been keeping myself down all those years. Always choosing the 'high road' or the 'moral path.' Noble yes, but what I was really telling myself was that I wasn't worth the money. The same thing my mother had been telling me all those years.
So...while I've had the planet Saturn in my sign, forcing me to reconsider all these deep seated beliefs...I've learned that not only am I worth making that kind of money...I fucking deserve it.
Hopefully working for Mercedes will finally put all these things to rest.
Score one for Holliday and her money!
MONEY...
I've always had a strange relationship to money.
Thing is...my mother always had it. She paid for all the lessons I wanted as a kid...sent me to sleep away camp every summer since I was 8 years old. That kind of thing. She wouldn't buy me new clothes though or anything, although she'd come home every day with new things. I don't know that I resented it so much as I just didn't understand...
As a kid, she'd never let me get a job, claiming I didn't need to work. This went on for years...until after I was 14 and a ward of the state. My first job was as a lifeguard while in juvie. Although, whenever I'd come home for vacations (if she'd even allow me to do that) she'd insist I get a job. Not that it was possible to find a job for a week or two.
When I wanted to work, she wouldn't let me. When it wasn't logical for me to work, she'd insist on it.
As I grew older, and things between us got worse...she always held her money over my head. Throwing in my face all the lessons she paid for...saying that I'd never run away because I'd never be able to get financial aid for school (and i was too smart to not go to school).
And she's right...as things continued to get worse the only reason I kept in contact with her was for her money. To use her as a 'cash cow' as she so loved to say. I'd deny it, of course, but it was true. I wanted an education...
When I was in college and inherited some money from my Pop-pop's life insurance...I took the money and ran. As usual, I did the responsible thing and invested it. I bought myself a bedroom set and sent myself on a weeklong cruise after running the marathon. What was left over went directly into mutual funds and I successfully lived off that money for the next three years. And promptly tried to declare my independence from the woman. It lasted about a year and then we started speaking again, sorta by accident, but that's another story.
One year my mother offered to pay my taxes for me. Unsure as to where this offer was coming from and declaring that I was an adult and needed to learn how to do these things on my own, declined.
As it turned out...she'd taken a bond in my name and spent it. And since it was in my name I would have been responsible for paying the taxes on it. She hadn't wanted to tell me she'd spent it...so she'd offered to pay all my taxes instead.
A hand well played, Miss Holliday...because she had to return the money to me, to the tune of $20,000...which I invested again, and lived off of...
***
In regards to money of my own...I'd chosen a noble career in the social services...knowing I wouldn't make any money worth mentioning. I'd learned that money was evil and I didn't want any part of it.
After four years in the field...barely making ends meet, ruining my credit, and nearly starving to death...I made a decision...I quit.
***
I chose instead to face down these deeply ingrained fears and beliefs about money...and went ahead and registered for technical school.
Despite the fact that I was CONVINCED she'd been right, that there wouldn't be any financial help for me...I filled out my FASFA forms and prayed for a miracle. And it came...loans and financial aid covered all but this 8k balance I have.
I packed my things into a minivan and took off into the sunset...leaving everything behind.
***
In regards to the money I might be making in the future...I found myself leaning towards another career that would have ended me being over worked and underpaid...but more creative than my alternatives.
But after sitting here in the dark eating cold spaghettios out of a can crying about my impending eviction...I made another decision.
To make money. As much money as possible. Because suddenly I realized how I'd been keeping myself down all those years. Always choosing the 'high road' or the 'moral path.' Noble yes, but what I was really telling myself was that I wasn't worth the money. The same thing my mother had been telling me all those years.
So...while I've had the planet Saturn in my sign, forcing me to reconsider all these deep seated beliefs...I've learned that not only am I worth making that kind of money...I fucking deserve it.
Hopefully working for Mercedes will finally put all these things to rest.
Score one for Holliday and her money!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
i hope my teacher has a sense of humor or I'm fuxored
♥
xoxo