UNBECOMING
Today I'm a little bit wiser
Older, colder and closer,
closer to my end.
I'm unbecoming
Unbecoming...
Unbecoming is a sad thing...
But I won't be sad today,
no, I won't be sad...
Everything kills me
Because everything dies
if you could see this dying world
Through these dying eyes,
Maybe you would realize
And recognize...
We're unbecoming
Unbecoming...
Unbecoming is a sad thing
Unbecoming is a sad thing
I'll be a wise man
if I get the chance to grow old
But being a young man
Has never been harder before...
***
The above is a song my big brother wrote about our father dying. He died a long, lingering death from cancer when we were little kids. Our father was just about 40 years old. To be honest, and not just because he's my brother, I really think this is the most poignant song about someone dying that I've ever heard.
***
"Unbecoming" is a word I've used a lot recently in describing myself.
I look at myself these days and to say that I'm regressing into a person I used to be...and that parts of me are dying off...isn't entirely accurate.
Because I'm not really regressing into the old me...but I'm certainly unbecoming the person I had been when I got here. The person I worked so hard to become.
Part of me is truly saddened by this. To feel that person stirring inside on such a rare occassion...only to be caged in this person I am now.
***
I've struggled a lot with deciding where I want to go after I graduate. Do I want to go home to NYC again? Or do I want to start over somewhere new?
I don't know that I can face the people I left behind like I am now. But I also don't think I have the energy to build a whole new life somewhere else.
Maybe going home to those people is exactly what I need?
Maybe I'll be as unhappy there as I was before?
***
Like the song says...unbecoming is a sad thing, but no, I'm not going to be sad today.
Because as I unbecome the person I was...new things grow there in the empty spaces.
I'm not nearly as trusting as I'd been.
Not nearly as open-hearted.
But I'm stronger and believe in myself in ways I'd never thought possible.
I suppose I unbecame those things because of the situation I'm in...and I became these new things because that's what I needed...and that's what I learned about myself.
I mourn the old me sometimes...try to give the new me the respect she deserves...and continue to hope that when I get out of here...and find myself in someplace new when I don't need to be so strong...I can become those things I was without losing the person I am now.
Today I'm a little bit wiser
Older, colder and closer,
closer to my end.
I'm unbecoming
Unbecoming...
Unbecoming is a sad thing...
But I won't be sad today,
no, I won't be sad...
Everything kills me
Because everything dies
if you could see this dying world
Through these dying eyes,
Maybe you would realize
And recognize...
We're unbecoming
Unbecoming...
Unbecoming is a sad thing
Unbecoming is a sad thing
I'll be a wise man
if I get the chance to grow old
But being a young man
Has never been harder before...
***
The above is a song my big brother wrote about our father dying. He died a long, lingering death from cancer when we were little kids. Our father was just about 40 years old. To be honest, and not just because he's my brother, I really think this is the most poignant song about someone dying that I've ever heard.
***
"Unbecoming" is a word I've used a lot recently in describing myself.
I look at myself these days and to say that I'm regressing into a person I used to be...and that parts of me are dying off...isn't entirely accurate.
Because I'm not really regressing into the old me...but I'm certainly unbecoming the person I had been when I got here. The person I worked so hard to become.
Part of me is truly saddened by this. To feel that person stirring inside on such a rare occassion...only to be caged in this person I am now.
***
I've struggled a lot with deciding where I want to go after I graduate. Do I want to go home to NYC again? Or do I want to start over somewhere new?
I don't know that I can face the people I left behind like I am now. But I also don't think I have the energy to build a whole new life somewhere else.
Maybe going home to those people is exactly what I need?
Maybe I'll be as unhappy there as I was before?
***
Like the song says...unbecoming is a sad thing, but no, I'm not going to be sad today.
Because as I unbecome the person I was...new things grow there in the empty spaces.
I'm not nearly as trusting as I'd been.
Not nearly as open-hearted.
But I'm stronger and believe in myself in ways I'd never thought possible.
I suppose I unbecame those things because of the situation I'm in...and I became these new things because that's what I needed...and that's what I learned about myself.
I mourn the old me sometimes...try to give the new me the respect she deserves...and continue to hope that when I get out of here...and find myself in someplace new when I don't need to be so strong...I can become those things I was without losing the person I am now.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
dunno why, just came to me.
I'd put Dick on my car, but they'd either think my name was Rich or I'm just a homo.
The only way I can justify death being a beautiful movement is by considering it one of the most primitive things human beings undertake. Eating, drinking, sex, sleep, and procreation also coincide with this theory. However, death is inevitable...these things are simply routes to expanding time, continuing lineage, or sharing joy.
Death is the end-all result to life. You can live without everything, but you must live with death.
weird.