holliday

The worst part about feeling so sad or so angry is that somewhere in the back of my mind I can remember a time in my life where I didn't feel that way. I can even remember being truly happy, inspired, and hopeful about the future.

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Sometimes I use music to wallow in whatever I'm feeling. Sometimes I use it to try and pull me out of whatever negative rut I'm in...

You can tell a lot about my emotional state by what music I'm listening to.

I have lots of emotions...so I listen to all kinds of music.

Yesterday after a trip to wal-mart where I spent more than I intended, as usual...I decided against stopping by the music warehouse for a new CD, even though I've been in desperate need of some new music (or some old music that i left behind when i moved).

But as I approached the intersection I found my car driving itself across three lanes to make the turn into the parking lot.

I made a b-line straight to the 'hard rock' section while I considered whether or not I wanted something I could hav a good drunk cry to, feeding my sadness...or something heavy, to feed my anger about this situation.

It didn't take me long to pick out the "Prime Cuts" Cd from Suicidal Tendencies...

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The first song on the CD is "You Can't Bring Me Down." A personal favorite and something of a battlecry from years back.

There's this part where he says, "Can you say feel like shit? Yeah, sometimes maybe I DO feel like shit. I ain't happy about it but I'd rather FEEL like shit than be FULL of shit!"

And right now, that's right on the money.

I really feel like shit about many of the things going on in my life right now. Not the least of which being this school incident and the behavior of the kids in my class (please see the previous entries for more info).

But it's true...I DO feel like shit. But I'd rather FEEL like shit than be FULL of shit.

I might have fucked up. I might have pushed my graduation date back three weeks. I've put my future at risk to some degree.

But judging by the way the kids in my OLD class can no longer look at me, working with the NEW class...I can tell those kids KNOW they're full of shit.

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The moral of the story?

I fucked up and I feel like shit...but my integrity is still in tact...and in the end, that's all that will matter.

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In conclusion?

"Yeah, sometimes maybe I DO feel like shit...but I'd rather FEEL like shit than be FULL of shit! Oh I'm sorry, did I offend you? Well maybe you NEEDED to be offended...well here's my apology and one more thing...FUCK YOU!!!"

-ST