holliday

I've been pretty beat today...laying on my couch in my jammies, even though it was so beautiful out and I actually wanted to go sit in the sun or something...

Fell asleep early...woke up...had a snack...fell back asleep...woke up...

Now it's 4:23 AM and I'm sitting here doing nothing.

There isn't much on TV at this hour...

The channel I DID stop on was this religious channel that was showing these people from "Fellowship of the Woodlands." Their commercials always made church look like fun...so I stopped out of curiousity. After all the commercials, I wanted to see what one of their sermons would be like.

The Pastor's wife was talking about how different people react differently to when dropped into hot water.

HARD BOILED EGG PEOPLE:
These are the people who are all soft hearted with a hard exterior. Until they're dropped into hot water, at which point they become all hard on the inside too. And if left in the hot water long enough they burst, just like eggs do. She said these people are very difficult to be around.

CARROT PEOPLE:
These people seem ok. I mean, everyone likes carrots, right? But when dropped into hot water they get all soft. They don't fight at all...they simply surrender.

POPCORN PEOPLE:
These people are those that are tough all the time...and when faced with the heat of life they explode. She explained that these people are the ones who are glad to be caught in traffic so they have a reason to explode and be angry.

COFFEE PEOPLE:
These are people who when dropped into hot water don't change. Instead, it's the water around them that is changed.

This all reminded me of some previous training I've had where they taught us that by being different in our own lives, the people around us would be changed.

And how when 'bad' things happen it's a perfect opportunity to change something about the situation. To find a new direction and a new opening.

So...in my semi-inspired state I turned my inspirational quote calendar to March 13th (since it's technically the 13th now). It says;
"Spiritual growth is like childbirth. You dilate, then you contract. You dilate, then you contract again. As painful as it all feels, it's the neccessary rhythm for reaching the ultimate goal of total openness."

I don't know that I've been growing a whole lot spiritually while being out here.

I DO know that since deciding to move here I've learned a lot about myself. Perseverence and what I'm willing to do to make this thing happen. I've seen some really dark days but somehow hung in there. I called on the strength and faith of my friends. I had a vision of what I wanted and I stuck to it like a life line.

Nowdays things aren't that clear and I'm in some dark fucking days right now. I'm out here without my friends and I don't have a vision of my future to stick to. Which is probably why things seem so dark.

So I think about that 'coffee person' analogy.
It's the way I used to live my life and to be honest, I miss it.

And I look at the situation I'm in right now and ask myself...how can I be more of a coffee person? What about my present situation can I change? How can I be different that will change the outcome? What openings am I missing because I'm sitting here on my couch feeling lonely and sorry for myself?

If I weren't feeling so hopeless and stuck...what would I do?
What would the old Holliday do? What would she see that I'm not seeing right now?

Maybe I'll sleep on that...if I ever fall asleep again tonight.
Maybe I'll meditate on it tomorrow, if I can get my ass off my damned couch.