holliday

Yesterday I actually witnessed green growing things coming up from the ground.

It's been a while since I took the kid out for a walk. Partly because of the weather. Partly because I'm like, 100 years pregnant. And partly because we've been sick.

I hate having us cooped up in here though, so yesterday we braved the somewhat warm, somewhat cold weather and took a walk...and that's when I saw it! Green and growing...

Sure, today it's snowing...but whatever. I've seen green!!!

And just in the nick of time too. There's only so much of this winter-time bullshit I can take. And this winter, especially was lame. How can I sit here and watch DC get all our snow and NOT feel let down? New Englang got ONE almost OK snow storm, right before xmas...and that was pretty much that for the season. Other than that it's just been fucking cold, which doesn't do ANYONE any good.

A little green on the ground like that reminds me that hope is in the air. That soon we'll be able to open up these windows and air the winter out of here.

I've been doing massive cleaning and rearranging around here...which is partly due to my being so close to having a baby...y'know...the whole 'nesting' thing...and part of it is getting ready for Spring.

Winters around here are tough. There's no work. There's no money. There's no place to go to with the kid. We're all up in each others faces...it's bullshit. And this year has been the hardest.

We thought we'd take this time to get ourselves together, spiritually. And my husband, god bless his finally sober soul, started to get treated for his ADD/ADHD...except that it backfired. With all good intentions, he began taking medication and seeing counselors to help him adjust to his new life...and so far, it's just been a fucking nightmare. One anxiety ridden trip to the emergency room after another. We threw in an anti-depressant and so far that's made things worse. He's lost more weight this winter than ever...and this isn't great news for someone who can't really stand to lose any weight to begin with. And it's wreaked major havoc on our relationship.

We have become islands of isolated worry together in our home and it's lame. He spends 110% of his energy worrying about his shit... And I spend 110% of my energy worrying about my own. I'm not going to make this a finger pointing vent post...b/c the bottom line is, we're a family, we have a new baby coming in less than two weeks, and we need to get our shit together ASAP.

There are moments of lucidity between us, where we can express ourselves and be heard. When those cold prickly feelings of hate and resentment can be replaced with the warm fuzzies of real love and compassion.

What's so funny (and so sad) about the two of us...is part of the reason we're so sad these days, is because we love each other so much, it hurts us to not be as available to love and support each other the way we'd like to. It's actually our love for each other that breeds the resentments. And it's the resentments that keep us isolated and without the love and support of each other. It's a ridiculous cycle...I only hope we can break it, and SOON!

It's not all bad around here though...and I hadn't even meant to barf that bullshit into my blog, but that's what came out, so I'm gonna leave it there. I'd MEANT to write more hopeful things about Spring, going back to work, car show season opening again, my enormous belly (pictures pending, i swear!). There's actually a lot of GOOD happening around here too...it just so often gets lost in the soupy madness of winter...

So, here's to green growing things! And all the hope it brings!!!