Anticipation...Exhaustion...

And no, Im not talking about the SuperBowl

Im talking about tomorrow being our follow up court date for visitation with his kids. This has been a long, exhausting, disappointing road. Id really LOVE to say that I hoped tomorrow will be the end of this thing, but more accurately, it would be the end of one phase, and the beginning of another equally long and exhausting adventure. The one where he tries to reconnect with his kids after a near two year absense. It is all just so heartbreaking to know that this whole thing could have been avoided if shed just play nice.

I have my own personal struggles with this. Mainly in trying to manage my husband and his depression about it all. Trying to keep his chin up when fighting a system set up to fail him. And trying to keep him from sabotaging himself out of spite and anger towards that system.

I was happy to find that our last court date they decided to assign a Judge Ad Litem to our case. A social worker meant to interview and investigate the case and report back to the judge who would then make a decision. We did our part, making our appointments, sharing the information we have to share. Giving our referrences and hoping for the best.

I have secretly prayed every day since my own appointment that I said the right things.

I have secretly hoped that this world could just PLEASE throw my man a bone and let him see his kids. For his benefit, AND for mine!

We dont talk about it much around here. His boys are an area where I feel at a total loss to give hope and/or comfort. I know hes feeling it right now the same way I am. The fear and anxietymostly about feeling optimistic, which we wont allow ourselves to do.

We squash our worst case scenario by reminding ourselves that no matter WHAT happens tomorrow, those kids WILL eventually be of age to come contact their Daddy without the mother or the court saying shit about it. I only hope it doesnt come down to that.