holliday

That said...I'm happy to report that I am now the proud owner of a wide range of emotions that I feel daily.

It took a while, some very loving friends, and some outside help (not therapy) for me to learn how to interpret what my feelings were and how to manage them. That was hard, but harder still was learning to how to share them.

There was a time when I was so stingy with my feelings that I wouldn't have told you I'd had a bad day, even if it was as obvious as you visiting me in the hospital after a terrible car crash and I was now paralyzed from the neck down. I also wouldn't have told you how much your visit meant to me, even if it was the sole reason I chose to continue breathing. I'd FEEL it, but I sure as hell wouldn't have TOLD you about it.

I did eventually learn that the people in my life not only deserved to know, but WANTED to know, how I felt about things. And in some ways I've become a master communicater. When a friend and I recently had a problem, we sat down like adults, expressed ourselves, and are better than new. More often than not, I can stop you mid-sentence and let you know that whatever you just said, hurt my feelings. I've learned timing is key with these kinds of things.

Problem is, I've never mastered the timing of confessing the warmer, fuzzier feelings. To friends, absolutely, but to lovers? That's still a no go for me. (and i hate the term lovers, but couldn't think of anything better)

I suppose we all, as humans, have a certain, shared level of fear surrounding this kind of confession.
For me, it's not only fear, it's mind numbing terror. And looking back at the few relationships I've had...my confessions have been too little, and too late.

Y'know...I really LIKED that biker I was dating in Houston. Problem is, he didn't know it. Worse still, was I didn't realize that he didn't know. Not until he came over one night in a drunken stupor and told me as much. He didn't remember this conversation the next day, and I chose not to remind him. I did, however, make a concerted effort to express my feelings more, but like I said, it was too little, too late. He dumped me a couple of weeks later.

Then there was Army Guy, we actually had rules AGAINST having feelings...other than the friendship we already shared. And for a while, that was bliss. Problem was, we'd fallen for each other and neither one of us would fess up. Not until the army called to take him away. And still then I waited until he was already gone...called him on the phone...and fessed up. He shot me down. Within a week, he made his own vague kind of confession, but by then, I couldn't hear it. My brother actually nailed this relationship straight on the head when he said it was like James Dean trying to date Hemmingway.

Shortly after Army Guy took off...and as soon as I stopped being drunk on my floor about it...I met someone new. He and I had chemistry right off the bat. Problem was, I knew I was leaving town. Not that for half a second I didn't consider staying, not that I'd ever told HIM that...and I took off anyway. For a year now, our friendship has grown and changed and become something important enough to both of us, to have, numerous times, talked about my going back to Houston.

Which I did, finally...for a visit. For a weekend that turned, accidently on purpose, into a three week stay.

Upon my return to California, I was filled with regrets. Over the course of our friendship, I have, any number of times, wanted to tell him how much he's meant to me. There was even a moment where I TRIED...I texted him and said there was something I needed to tell him. But when he asked what it was, all I could say was, "It can wait. It's not important..."

But maybe it WAS important...and maybe it shouldn't have waited.
Because now we're still stuck in our logistical nightmare...

Not that we haven't made some kind of casual mention of our feelings for each other...but in recent conversations, I guess I've finally made my true confession. I don't think this time it's too little, too late, although I was asked why I hadn't mentioned any of it before.

Things got quiet between us for a couple of days...and naturally I used that time to convince myself that he'd never speak to me again and we couldn't be friends because he hated me (fyi, this is standard operating procedure when things get quiet like that).

He doesn't, of course...but what I've done with my delayed confession is create a state of confussion and torn feelings. Which sucks. I hate to put him in that kind of position...and I can't help but feel a little bummed out...mostly because I can't help but wonder what the conversation would sound like, if I'd fessed up six months ago when I wanted to.

My question is...will I EVER get this shit right?