The wind is blowing something fierce...it's threatening to rain...and I'm still hiding out in Texas.
I've been terribly spoiled these past two weeks between all the hours alone and the company of my dear friend.
But I guess I've done all the thinking I can...worn out my welcome long enough...and it's time to go home.
I dread it more than you can imagine. I resist actually picking up the phone and booking my return flight as if I can just ignore it and it will go away. I let the misery seep in and ruin my mood and whatever time I have left here.
It's hard to see someone achieving what they set out to do. Succeeding where you're in total failure.
More than once during this time away I've questioned it all.
What I'm meant to do with my life.
Where I'm supposed to be to do it.
What my priorities are. What they REALLY are.
My problem is I want it all.
I want to build hot rods...but I want the security of the desk job.
I want the fame and fortune...and the steady paycheck, benefits, 401k.
I want the hot rod culture of California...and I want to be...I admit it...here.
I want the freedom to travel and do whatever I want...but I also, someday, want to be a wife and mother.
Is it possible to have it all....or some variation thereof?
I want to see my dreams come to fruition.
Even though I don't know what they are anymore.
All I know is that I'm not the inspired, unreasonable dreamer I once was.
I no longer see the signs sent by the universe that pointed me on my way so clearly.
Nope, I've become just another lost soul...without the vision...without the goal...without the plan...
No more milestones for me...just back to the endless days passing and that feeling that I'm missing it. Whatever 'it' is.
***edited to add***
They've issued a tornado warning...Now, I love the Texas rainstorms and all that, but the tornadoes I can do without.
Is it possible that I could take a conk on the head and end up talking to the Wizard of Oz who will, once and for all, set my sorry ass straight?
I'm going for a walk...let's see if we can't find out...
I've been terribly spoiled these past two weeks between all the hours alone and the company of my dear friend.
But I guess I've done all the thinking I can...worn out my welcome long enough...and it's time to go home.
I dread it more than you can imagine. I resist actually picking up the phone and booking my return flight as if I can just ignore it and it will go away. I let the misery seep in and ruin my mood and whatever time I have left here.
It's hard to see someone achieving what they set out to do. Succeeding where you're in total failure.
More than once during this time away I've questioned it all.
What I'm meant to do with my life.
Where I'm supposed to be to do it.
What my priorities are. What they REALLY are.
My problem is I want it all.
I want to build hot rods...but I want the security of the desk job.
I want the fame and fortune...and the steady paycheck, benefits, 401k.
I want the hot rod culture of California...and I want to be...I admit it...here.
I want the freedom to travel and do whatever I want...but I also, someday, want to be a wife and mother.
Is it possible to have it all....or some variation thereof?
I want to see my dreams come to fruition.
Even though I don't know what they are anymore.
All I know is that I'm not the inspired, unreasonable dreamer I once was.
I no longer see the signs sent by the universe that pointed me on my way so clearly.
Nope, I've become just another lost soul...without the vision...without the goal...without the plan...
No more milestones for me...just back to the endless days passing and that feeling that I'm missing it. Whatever 'it' is.
***edited to add***
They've issued a tornado warning...Now, I love the Texas rainstorms and all that, but the tornadoes I can do without.
Is it possible that I could take a conk on the head and end up talking to the Wizard of Oz who will, once and for all, set my sorry ass straight?
I'm going for a walk...let's see if we can't find out...
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
you deserve it darlin'!
aw, you are in tx? i envy you. whereabouts in tx?
and no time like the holidays for over-thinking the state of your life, the futilities, the unfulfilled wants...ugh. here's to another year down the drain. pass the bourbon please
xo, lady