holliday

Let's hope it's just a touch of the pms...

Until about a week ago I was as happy as a pig in shit.

I'm living in a real pretty house. Work my own hours. Have an adorable gimpy dog and my own two cats up here. The moon and stars here are beautiful... The sky always clear and the atmosphere relaxed. My friend/roommate/business partner is taking care of all of the finances while I scrounge together enough side job payments to pay my own bills.

Then...about a week ago I started to stress about money again. This happens when my bills come due and I realize I'm not actually making a fucking penny out here, although I've put a ton of work into the '55 DeSoto project we're going to sell. I try to remain calm and remind myself that we're very early in the business and of COURSE there will be a gap between the actions and the pay off. Between all the work and the money. And for a little while that was ok.

This past weekend was a really good time. Two couples came over and we partied all weekend. Saw some beautiful cars down the hill somewhere and bar hopped on our way back. I FINALLY got to spend some time with chicks, which is something I rarely get to do. Doing chick shit like talking about clothes and squeeling the in the bathroom about one of them having 'the conversation' with her now 'official boyfriend.' Plus, I absolutely adore both of their boyfriends. One of whom hires me to work on his cars for him, and the other who gave me a great pep talk about being a chick in the hot rod family/industry.

However...spending time with these two couples and my friend/roommate/business partner who has deceived himself into believing we're going to end up married with babies, despite my constant refusal and the 20 year age difference between us...really irked the shit out of me. Not because I wasn't having a great time, and not even because I don't also adore my friend/roommate/business partner...sugar daddy... But because it illustrates to me the situation I've gotten myself into.

Originally, the plan was to move down from Monterey to LA so that I could resume partying like a rockstar. Get myself a job at a body shop...find some hotrodders to hang out with...get my own hot rod. Get myself my own place to live in...pay my own bills... Make my own friends....find a bar I like nearby.... Even find myself a man to pal around with.

Now...I landed in Long Beach as planned and found myself absolutely stifled and miserable there. My friend's apartment was depressing and was impossible to motivate out of. Impossible to find the work I was looking for. And not being happy with the one possible job offer I had (working saturday? yer outcher mind!) when this OTHER thing came up...my friend/roommate/business partner asking me to come up for a week or two to help him finish off the '55 DeSoto project I jumped on it. I figured...with the two of us working on the car eight hours a day it would soon be finished and I'd have my 15% of the sale price. With that money in my pocket I was planning to float myself for another month while I searched for the right job in LA.

That was two months ago...and I'm still here. It's NOT the two of us working on the car for eight hours a day, as was presented to me...nope...it's just ME working on it. By the time it IS finished, I'll have put more time and work into the car than HE has. Luckily, he's upped my percentage to 25% of the sale price...but still it's not done.

And I like living in this house...I've actually learned a lot ABOUT having a home...something I've never had before. Stupid shit like, doing the dishes and taking out the garbage. Cooking and cleaning for someone else. Yes, I've become quite the little housewife.

But here I am...out in the middle of this beautiful nowhere...with no cash...none coming...
There isn't shit to do out here...and the friends I meet, aren't mine really, they're HIS and I never get a chance to hang out with ANYONE seperate from my friend/roommate/business partner.

I'm trapped. Completely trapped. I don't have anywhere to go...no money to get there even if I did...and not a goddamned friend in sight.

I miss having my own life. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

Now I've got my friend/roommate/business partner/sugar daddy all over my ass...talking about how I'll like going to his families home from christmas... Greaaaaaaaaaat...

And even if I make money off the sale of the DeSoto...it won't be enough to go anwhere.
And even if I DO want to continue working with him building these cars...that means I've got to stay out here in the desert...an hour away from civilization in any direction.

He's fucking delusional believing that we're just going to be some happy little couple living and working together...just like that ex of his he's trying to replace with me.

Ok...maybe it was my mistake for sleeping with him...but seriously, it was the only way to get him to shut the fuck up...and keep me from feeling guilty about how he's gotta take care of me because I don't have any money now.

I just want my life back. MY LIFE...not his...and not this shared fucking delusion of his.

And this weekend, it's off to a wedding for the two of us. He's an ordained minister so he's marrying these two folks. It's all the way out in Bakersfield...where ever the fuck THAT is. So that means we'll have to stay over somewhere. Great...

Not that he asked if I WANTED to go...he just assumes.

For me? I know what it's going to be like. It'll probably be pretty fun...they're getting married at the Hot Rod Reunion between race schedules... So at least I'll get to see the cars... But it'll just be another weekend of me trailing around behind him as he does his whole celebrity thing...meeting lots of old folks, who might be cool, but aren't single and aren't my age anyway. And it'll be a weekend of him being real ambiguous with people when they ask about our 'relationship' so that they will DEFINITELY infer that we're 'hooked up.' Even though I've told him NUMEROUS times that I don't want anyone to know that for the protection of my professional reputation. And why wouldn't HE want everyone to know? I'm some hot little young chick he gets to bone.

Lord...if this isn't pms...strike me down now...because I'm fucked.