holliday

I suppose I'd be better at updating if my mind weren't going in a hundred different directions.
And if my heart weren't having a hundred different emotions right now....

***

The truth is...no matter what my complaints about work have been...I'm overwhelmed with disappointment that it hasn't worked out.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...living through Houston was one of the worst years of my life...truth is, that place/experience nearly killed me...
I took whatever was left in me and drove my ass at high speed over the state line in the middle of the night...
Whatever was left in my heart, was committed to hope and excitement that California and Gene's Import Auto Body would be 'the place' for me...

True, I chose not to go home to NYC...
In a letter my daddy wrote to me a month before he died, nearly 25 years ago...he said, "Never take the easy way out..." Ang going back to NYC WAS the easy way out...

I wasn't sure I'd have the heart/energy to start a new life somewhere else.
Make new friends...find new hang outs...
But I took whatever was left in my heart and headed West...

***

Thursday was Anthony's last day at work...
Anthony was our parts guy who came into the shop after I did. The only guy as low on the totem pole as me...who got reamed as much and as often as I did by Bossman...
We were like two peas in a pod...

For every time he vented to me and I talked him down...I vented to him and he talked ME down...

With him gone...the next three weeks are going to be so excrutiatingly long...

***

Plus...Mentor and I have been having conversations to me that signify my having given my notice at work more than my ACTUALLY giving notice.

Conversations about what I need to work on...what tools I have vs. what tools I need to buy....as he evaluates the tools I've recently acquired...

Other co-workers coming to me and inquiring about my quitting...about which date is going to be my last day...

***

Yesterday I came home and paid my July rent...and gave my 30 day notice to my landlord...

And despite whatever complaints I've had about living with 8 people...that still completely bums me out.

Truth is...no matter WHAT my complaints...I LIKE my landlord...and there are a number of roommies that I honestly LIKE....

Besides which, being homeless is my worst fear in life...and giving my notice to him without having a NEW place to go to (other than couch surfing) fills me with fear you just can't 'get.'

***

It's all just so...final...y'know?

I had so much hope and so much excitement...

And I'm just so overwhelmed with disappointment...

Not even to say that my seven months in Monterey weren't exactly what I needed...

I'm just saying...this shit breaks my heart...

***

To top it off...the person I NORMALLY talk all this shit out with is currently at home on vaction and dealing with his own shit...which makes him unavailable to me...

It compounds the sadness...confusion...and loneliness...

***

Not to say there aren't good things ahead...and not that I don't KNOW that...I'm just SAYING is all...since it seems I haven't said much lately...

There...you asked for it...
There you have it...