My long weekend home was exactly what I needed...to clear my head, rejuvinate, re-up on my warm/fuzzy feelings, and really get a look at what's going on with me right now.
It's true...to be home pulled at my heart like nothing else can. My heart pumps blood through veins mapped out like the NYC subway system...
***
My extraordinary friends, one and all, were so wonderfully well behaved about not harassing me about moving home...they gave me the chance to just let my heart and mind go...enjoy the experience of being home and think my own thoughts about it...
Thanks to all mother fucking fifteen or so friends I squeezed into one weekend! Yes, I was a VERY busy girl!
***
My thoughts about new york?
1. I wonder if NYC is a place that in order to really appreciate one has to leave...and then come back. New Yorkers are funny that way...to live among so much cultural hoo hah...we put our blinders on and just do our thing... But after living in nowheresville for the past I can't even tell you how long...to be wandering around and stumble across the Alivn Ailey American Dance Theatre, just a few blocks from where I used to live...filled me with total joy... A joy you just can't know unless you've lived in this place, nowheresville..
2. Not to say that the things that annoyed me about New York aren't still there...aren't still an issue..
I mean, trying to go food shopping on a Saturday afternoon is like...like...I can't even think of a good witty anology here...it's just madness... Squeezing myself onto a train to try and get somewhere...obscene... But still.... it's nyc....
3. The purpose of my trip home, wasn't to 'see' what I was missing by living in Cali...because I already know what that is... The purpose was to GET was I've been missing...and come back with enough energy to make it through the next however many months...
This weekend home gave me exactly that...exactly what I've been missing.... but in it's wake...I'm left with one question...
Do I want to try and recreate here in California what I already have in NYC...or do I want to try and create something different?
***
The guy who drove my taxi home from Monterey airport was a New Yorker, born and bred...he said to me in his thick Queens accent, "If you come here and you try to live your life like you did in New York...you're going to drive yourself insane." And the truth is...he's right.
But where to go from here?
***
My final thoughts on New York? Well...they involve a special someone...
Most of the people I saw this weekend were friends of mine who were instrumental in my having the strength to do what I did...they're also people I haven't seen in nearly two years...
But there was one person...who touched my heart more than anyone else did...and that's my beautiful Doineanta.
She is a woman I've known for at least five or six years...NOT that I can believe it's been that long...
Together we've shared a wonderful, sensitive, humorous, and most tragically passionate frienship.
Our personalities, the very thing that makes us love each other so much...are also the very thing that strikes the match, blowing the whole thing to kingdom come....
We met under some suspicious circumstances (a story i still love to tell, but won't get into here)...circumstances that usually are the red flag for the END of a friendship, not the beginning...
When we were together...in our good times...there are no words to describe the fun...
But like any fiery relationship...ANYTHING can make things go bad...
Looking back...I can see myself sitting at the computer IMing with her...and I KNOW I've been offended by something...and I KNOW I've made some snarky remark...
And I KNOW on any given day I've said something offensive....and she's given ME some snarky remark...
And just as passionately as we once loved each other...we've now turned...
And being the stubborn red-headed goddesses we are...hours turn into days...into weeks...into months...into years...that we didn't speak.
Not that I didn't think of her, and yearn for her conversation a million times...
And finally...like a moth to a flame...one of us seeks the other out...and we begin the cycle again.
And I can sit here and think to myself how much we've changed...matured...softened...
Maybe nothing will quiet the part of me that sits in wait for the match to be struck...
But sitting across from her Monday over some avocado maki...
It was weird...like two people who didn't need conversation to know what we were feeling...searching for conversation to fill the silence...
Truth be told...and I even hate to admit this...being the tomboy crusader I am...
All I REALLY wanted to do was hold her in my stupid stubborn arms for the entire hour I had her...and cry for all the days we'd missed...
All the days I wish I could rewind time and superimpose myself on her life...all the days I wish she could do the same for me...because...y'know...there were many...
Yes...truth be told...and this is really just for you...
I sat outside in the yoga studio waiting room desperately trying to squelch the tears...thinking about how much I fucking loved you...and how maybe if I'd only just cried a little maybe I coulda convinced that long haired fag to let me in the classroom...because seriously...FUCK om yoga and whatever...that's my fucking GIRL in there...
But in the end I was a pansy...or maybe not pansy enough...
In the end I know you'll forgive me either way...because at this point...like moths to a fucking flame...more than ever, I know I'll be back...
So let the world bring on what it may...
I know I am loved honestly and more deeply by so many...while others go their whole lives without knowing so much...
And finally,
Doineanta, let me just say...maybe most of the nights we've hung out we've been dolled up...glamourpuss...ladies on the town...
But I don't know that many chicklets that can make me want to squeal quite the way you do...quite like the sixth grader who still lives in my heart...
That's right...I LOVE you, bitch!!!
And I'm going to leave this journal here long enough for you to read it...so the rest of you just sit back and relax...knowing the two of us...this could be a wild ride!!!
It's true...to be home pulled at my heart like nothing else can. My heart pumps blood through veins mapped out like the NYC subway system...
***
My extraordinary friends, one and all, were so wonderfully well behaved about not harassing me about moving home...they gave me the chance to just let my heart and mind go...enjoy the experience of being home and think my own thoughts about it...
Thanks to all mother fucking fifteen or so friends I squeezed into one weekend! Yes, I was a VERY busy girl!
***
My thoughts about new york?
1. I wonder if NYC is a place that in order to really appreciate one has to leave...and then come back. New Yorkers are funny that way...to live among so much cultural hoo hah...we put our blinders on and just do our thing... But after living in nowheresville for the past I can't even tell you how long...to be wandering around and stumble across the Alivn Ailey American Dance Theatre, just a few blocks from where I used to live...filled me with total joy... A joy you just can't know unless you've lived in this place, nowheresville..
2. Not to say that the things that annoyed me about New York aren't still there...aren't still an issue..
I mean, trying to go food shopping on a Saturday afternoon is like...like...I can't even think of a good witty anology here...it's just madness... Squeezing myself onto a train to try and get somewhere...obscene... But still.... it's nyc....
3. The purpose of my trip home, wasn't to 'see' what I was missing by living in Cali...because I already know what that is... The purpose was to GET was I've been missing...and come back with enough energy to make it through the next however many months...
This weekend home gave me exactly that...exactly what I've been missing.... but in it's wake...I'm left with one question...
Do I want to try and recreate here in California what I already have in NYC...or do I want to try and create something different?
***
The guy who drove my taxi home from Monterey airport was a New Yorker, born and bred...he said to me in his thick Queens accent, "If you come here and you try to live your life like you did in New York...you're going to drive yourself insane." And the truth is...he's right.
But where to go from here?
***
My final thoughts on New York? Well...they involve a special someone...
Most of the people I saw this weekend were friends of mine who were instrumental in my having the strength to do what I did...they're also people I haven't seen in nearly two years...
But there was one person...who touched my heart more than anyone else did...and that's my beautiful Doineanta.
She is a woman I've known for at least five or six years...NOT that I can believe it's been that long...
Together we've shared a wonderful, sensitive, humorous, and most tragically passionate frienship.
Our personalities, the very thing that makes us love each other so much...are also the very thing that strikes the match, blowing the whole thing to kingdom come....
We met under some suspicious circumstances (a story i still love to tell, but won't get into here)...circumstances that usually are the red flag for the END of a friendship, not the beginning...
When we were together...in our good times...there are no words to describe the fun...
But like any fiery relationship...ANYTHING can make things go bad...
Looking back...I can see myself sitting at the computer IMing with her...and I KNOW I've been offended by something...and I KNOW I've made some snarky remark...
And I KNOW on any given day I've said something offensive....and she's given ME some snarky remark...
And just as passionately as we once loved each other...we've now turned...
And being the stubborn red-headed goddesses we are...hours turn into days...into weeks...into months...into years...that we didn't speak.
Not that I didn't think of her, and yearn for her conversation a million times...
And finally...like a moth to a flame...one of us seeks the other out...and we begin the cycle again.
And I can sit here and think to myself how much we've changed...matured...softened...
Maybe nothing will quiet the part of me that sits in wait for the match to be struck...
But sitting across from her Monday over some avocado maki...
It was weird...like two people who didn't need conversation to know what we were feeling...searching for conversation to fill the silence...
Truth be told...and I even hate to admit this...being the tomboy crusader I am...
All I REALLY wanted to do was hold her in my stupid stubborn arms for the entire hour I had her...and cry for all the days we'd missed...
All the days I wish I could rewind time and superimpose myself on her life...all the days I wish she could do the same for me...because...y'know...there were many...
Yes...truth be told...and this is really just for you...
I sat outside in the yoga studio waiting room desperately trying to squelch the tears...thinking about how much I fucking loved you...and how maybe if I'd only just cried a little maybe I coulda convinced that long haired fag to let me in the classroom...because seriously...FUCK om yoga and whatever...that's my fucking GIRL in there...
But in the end I was a pansy...or maybe not pansy enough...
In the end I know you'll forgive me either way...because at this point...like moths to a fucking flame...more than ever, I know I'll be back...
So let the world bring on what it may...
I know I am loved honestly and more deeply by so many...while others go their whole lives without knowing so much...
And finally,
Doineanta, let me just say...maybe most of the nights we've hung out we've been dolled up...glamourpuss...ladies on the town...
But I don't know that many chicklets that can make me want to squeal quite the way you do...quite like the sixth grader who still lives in my heart...
That's right...I LOVE you, bitch!!!
And I'm going to leave this journal here long enough for you to read it...so the rest of you just sit back and relax...knowing the two of us...this could be a wild ride!!!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Sucks I diont getto see ya when u were home