holliday

Cowboy hat profile pic...back by popular demand...

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Deep thoughts by Miss Holliday...

I wonder why it seems everything in life involves a sacrifice...

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Sitting outside on my front porch last night...wallowing in my loneliness and whiskey...I found myself missing my life in NYC more than ever.

When I look back, I see myself as some kind of fucking rock star.

I strode to work every day in my four inch heels...hair pincurled to perfection...people stopped to stare...

I was the only person in all five boroughs who did what I did.

I gave lectures to judges, police officers, lawyers...

I was a regular at the Brooklyn D.A.'s office making monthly appearances to educate.

My clients loved me...my co-workers admired me...

I could make men fall in love in a heart beat just by stopping by my local dive bar for a beer after work...

I was never at a loss for something to do on any night of the week. Movie openings, swinger parties, photo shoots...

But something inside me was dying.
I was living in my mother's co-op studio on the upper west side... The studio had become like a prison...my mother, the warden...who never let a chance go by to remind me of her kindness by letting me live there, because this job of mine, no matter how it moved me to the right hand of god...hardly put food in my mouth.

I loved my job...I loved being a hot shot...but the corruption in the system was killing my soul...

So I left...

I moved to Houston to persue a dream.
It certainly didn't turn out as I had imagined it.
I never shot any guns.
Never went mudding.
Never went to the beach.

I went into survival mode...

I didn't have fun.
I didn't make friends.
I didn't have time to meditate.

The ONLY thing that mattered was showing up to school at 6:30am every morning...sick, lonley, hung over...hungry...it didn't matter so long as I showed up.

Somehow though...
I found a job that paid me thousands...
It was the first time in my life I've ever had money to buy myself things...name brand milk...the cute shirt on ebay...new curlers for my hair...

And at some point...against all the odds...
I fell in love with my best friend.
The first man I've ever known who could handle me.
The first man I've ever known who I would give it all up for.

But still on I went...

The army took him...not that he was mine to begin with...

But I gave up all those thousands of dollars for this new job.
A job I love, but doesn't pay me very much.
I gave up living on my own to house with six other people because it's all I can afford...

But it's a job I don't dread going to.
It's a job that doesn't leave me feeling like crap about myself.

And it just leaves me wondering...

Do we have to always give up one thing to have another?

Do I have to give up my friends to find love and money?
Do I have to give up love and money to find a job I enjoy?

I wonder if there will ever be a time when it all comes together.

Did I really give it all up for this piddly little $12 an hour job and a house full of roommates (not that i don't adore them)...

I try to remind myself that this is all just the beginning.
I won't make $12 an hour at this job forever.
I will someday be able to afford a place of my own again.
I will eventually make some friends of my own again...either around here or within driving distance.
The man I love may or may not come around...but if he doesn't...someone will...

I like to think that all these things I've come through are stepping stones.

NYC proved I no longer lunched at the reject table...
Being in Houston proved I could indeed fall in love...
Being here has proved I CAN have a job I don't dread...

Will the next stop on the road FINALLY be the one where it all comes together?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see...