holliday

I am finally relaxing with my favorite red wine and some Ella Fitzgerald.

I've been running moving errands all day...finally returning home to start the actually sorting/trashing/dumping/pre-packing thing around 7pm or so.

I can't say that this whole thing doesn't me filled with a myriad of emotions.

***

When I decided to leave my career behind to come to Texas to learn how to be an autobody tech...the whole idea was so ridiculous...so arrogant...so unreasonable...

I could often be found saying that it didn't matter if I ever touched a car again after graduation. And it really was true.

I put every ounce of energy into simply making this insane thing actually happen. I honestly never considered that it would become reality...or that there might be life after all of this.

I went to school nearly every day of my education truly believing that I very well might not be able to pull this off.

That I might never learn what everything was called...understand the suspension or electrical systems...

If it hadn't been for a few key people in my life...I might have drownd in that fear.

***

I actually sorted through my jar o' numbers earlier...and I found myself getting a little teary.

Some of the numbers I don't remember getting.
Some of those numbers became friends of mine.
One even became a boyfriend.

I came to Texas with the full intention of enjoying myself.
Of spending time on the beach.
I imagined myself going mudding...shooting guns...

Instead I ended up lonely, hungry, exhausted, and within hours of eviction. I ended up fired from a job I loved and dumped all within a few weeks of each other.

I have cried myself to sleep more times than I care to admit.

Sorting through those numbers reminded me of some better days I'd spent here. Of all the things I'd hoped for. So many things that never happened.

***

So here I am...tossing more memories of my life in nyc into the trash. Throwing nearly EVERY memory of Houston out.

All for a future...a life...I never took the time to even imagine.

Not to say that I'm not feeling some excitement too.
An awful lot of happiness and pride to have actually done this crazy thing.

Turns out I'm the only chick the mercedes program has ever been able to place in a job successfuly. Ok, so I'm only one of five that have ever come through the program...I suppose that makes it even more encredible.

With my encredible lack of confidence...I landed a job with a new boss I adore...in a shop with at least four other techs from my program...in a place that is more beautiful than I probably deserve...

***

Still, I find myself completely unable to imagine the life that lies ahead of me.

Maybe I'm just afraid to imagine anything...after the way Houston turned out.

I hate this place more than anything...but I've become pretty comfortable here over the past year and a half. I sure make more money than I will in California in my new job.

Still, I'll pack my things...and hit the road...show up to the imaginary place I've found to live in...and Monday I'll show up for the imaginary job I've accepted...begin a life I never imagined might come into reality.

I suppose that's what I do...just keep moving...keep putting one foot in front of the other. If my future is wide open...bring it on. If I can surive the past two years...I can survive anything.

***

I will be giving my desktop computer to a friend of mine tomorrow...I've gotten myself a laptop...something of a congratulations...graduation...inspiration...last time I'll ever have this money...hope for the future gift for myself.

I'm keeping it boxed up for safety on my way west...so I'll be off the grid a bid in the near future...no worries though...I'll be back as soon as I can.

Leave some love...I'll need it!

Bye for now