holliday

I WISH IT WERE WHISKEY

Octover 10th is the anniversary of my father's death.

It's a day I've always shared with my big brother.

A day when I could always count on a call from him.
Not that he'd say WHY he was calling, because we both knew.
A day when it didn't matter if I was living in Arizona, Boston, NYC, or backpacking across the tundra of Alaska...he could count on a phone call from me.

Not that I'd say WHY I was calling either.

A day I didn't have to explain what I was thinking about or what I was feeling.

We wouldn't even talk about it...
Just a hello...just a, what are you doing today?
Nothing special...

But I knew, without a doubt that I wasn't alone.

Today I'm alone.

My brother has disowned me because of what I do for a living.
After a week or so of his hate email, I was ready to let him go.

But today...

Today...I'm thinking about him.
knowing he's out there...and that no matter what our differences are he's thinking about me too.

But I can't do it. Can't forgive him for the things he said.

So I find myself here...all alone.

I want to call my girl Mekkah in NYC....

Just for a moment so I can not be alone...

I want to call Josh...
My closest most trusted friend...

The guy who's listened to all my shit all year...

Please...just hear me for a second...just listen to my voice for a moment...just one...

Let me just hear your voice for a second...
Just one...

I want to call my brother...

No matter what he said.
No matter what he thinks...

Just to hear his voice...and know he knows...

But it's late now...

Nearly 4am in NYC...
Nearly 2am in California...

And here I am...just sitting here in front of this blank, non-feeling, computer...

Wishing things were different...

Wishing this weren't the fucking moment I wasn't the most alone in my whole life...

Wishing this wasn't rum I was drinking, but whiskey...