hipples

I feel gross. My head is all cloudy. It's because I've fallen off the edge for the moment...

I dont usually like talking about it, because I dont want to come off sounding preachy, and I dont want anyone to be annoyed by a personal decision for myself. Being straight edge (wearing the X) actually means something to me though. As a person, I'm stronger when I'm healthy and clean, body and mind. Its something that Ive adopted for myself that makes me feel better in general.

My clarity never really matters to anyone else though. My roommate has been an awesome support in going vegan, but he still pushes weed on me almost every night.

It's not like marijuana is really all that bad. Neither is drinking really. The way I see it, they're both just different methods of altering perception. People use weed to make themselves feel better (get high, whatever), and people drink to "loosen up" or "let go". I know Im being to general for my own good, but whatever reason anyone has, it's still using a substance to change you're behavior or thought patterns.

And I don't want to say that as if it's totally bad to do so. By all means, anyone can modify any way they'd like. But I like to think that I stand for something better by being sXe. Who else can go to the club completely sober, and still meet people and have an awesome time? I'm not trying to force my ideas on anyone, but I do operate on the basic principal that what Im doing (be it vegan, or sXe) is better for myself and the environment than what you might be doing if you're going out shit-faced.

BUT THEN one night I cave to the pressure from my roommate and smoke a joint with him. For the next few days I feel like a hypocrite. This is the moment that I hate the most when I realize that Ive done that one thing that I am supposed to avoid.

So what do I do? Get back on the edge, and just try not to fall off again? I know that weed never does good things to me. Maybe I just have to figure out how to deal with the pressure my roommate applies. It would be so much easier if he didn't smoke or if I didn't have to be around it all the time.

I won a bet with him recently and my winning term basically only asked that he never ask me to smoke with him again. I guess it's really my responsibility whether I actually smoke or not though; even if he asks me, I should be able to just say no.

I think that its wrong of me to claim to be straight edge if I smoke at all (even just occasionally). Its not the first time Ive fallen off, and until I can say that Im actually committed to the idea, maybe I shouldnt be wearing the X.

All those people that normally question what Im doing love it when I fail like this. They love to see me as a hypocrite, because it means even I cant live up to what Im suggesting. How long am I going to have to be clean before I can once again say Im walking that edge?

When you next see me with the "X" on, hopefully I'll have figured out how to be true to myself.