himadhaman

i realized, i don't remember when, that my default mode, mood, is not happy. it isn't sad. theres should be a dash in there maybe. as in not-happy. i suppose people will say "well duh kid, thats pretty normal". yeah well fuck you anyone who already thought that. i absolutely refute the notion that i don't have a right to want to wake up and fall asleep happy every night.

i don't know how to be happy. i've tried. someone said to me recently that, while everyone needed that someone who wants them most, i especially need that. she's very right. i'm lonely. i want someone to want me. i don't know why thats been such a difficult, nigh unto impossible, thing to acquire. this wise head advised me that i would find that person soon. i wish i was so hopeful. i wish i was even a little hopeful.

i'm gonna go fill my waterbottle up, swill some mylanta, and then try and sleep so i can go work tomorrow... and friday... and saturday....

i found a good job. i'm at least 1/2 of the way to being out of financial hot water. i have friends, old friends i'm proud to claim, and new friends i'm surprised to find consider me the same. i have a house (at least till may) and i have good family.

i'd walk away from all of it for this not to bother me.

thats how low ive gone. i would sell out everything i've got, all the rest of my life, just to not care that i'm alone. i've stopped hoping that that wise mind might be right.