himadhaman

it occurs to me to post.

i'm two, almost three months past chemo, and i have to say the months of recovery have gone much faster than those of treatment. it was, unsurprisingly, fucking miserable, but i'm done and it feel good to have hair again.

my only regret is that my relationship did not survive the chemo, which i hadn't honestly expected. oh well.

chemo, i have to say, sucks a little bit, but at least the nausea isn't constant.

Face the facts. Then act on them. It's the only mantra I know, the only doctrine I have to offer you, and it's harder than you'd think, because I swear humans seem hardwired to do anything but. Face the facts. Don't pray, don't wish, don't buy into centuries-old dogma and dead rhetoric. Don't give in to your conditioning or your visions or your fucked-up sense...
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there was a time, a few years ago, when watching Moulin Rouge put me in a pretty fucked up mood.

I watched it tonight, and it did nothing.

i wonder what sort of movement this is? forwards? backwards? it feels like icewater.

tattoo is healing up nicely.

my mood is not.

an ex described me today thusly: distant. beautiful. scarred. unavailable.

is it wrong that i was very pleased by that?

i'm so very... very... tired of, well kinda everything, but in particular people. specific people, obviously, but just people in general too. I'm considerably more irritable this last week than typical. Which is saying something, as i'm pretty damned irritable.

i'm fucking tired, i guess is my point.

i'm learning sanskrit. its awesome.

the aforementioned foolishness has not been completely averted, but i'm in a place where i'm not sure i care.

to be less enigmatic, dig back in this journal and look for references to a girl named kate that drove me to alcoholism.

maybe its just the vicodin talking, but i think i may be on the verge of something stupid

but then, the stupid things are always the most fun.

i wanna learn sanskrit. and latin and greek, tho to a somewhat lesser degree. and tibetan, tho really only because i love the way the text looks.