Current Music: Regina Spektor - Summer in the City
Time just keeps moving. Not only will it not slow down but i am now of the belief that it is going faster and faster everyday. The more i do nothing, the more nothing happens. But that's a seperate problem that is being exacerbated by this time malfunction. But i don't know where to start fixing things and even if i did i wouldn't have the ability to make anything happen. It's sad but i start to look at problems as temporary inconveniences that time will erase for good or bad. Like if i shut my eyes the bad things will go away, and they sorta do. The only problem is i didn't guide myself to where i wanted to be so i'm just being carried along by the wave and when i open my eyes i'm confused and disoriented. Truth is i don't really mind where i'm going, i just have this terrible feeling that something is missing. Last time i made a real decision, oh so many years ago, i did and didn't like the results. I was in a confusing place and always trying to fix it, but i wasn't smart enough to either accept what it was or leave calmly, i was so sure of what i wanted and would accept nothing less than perfection. But that didn't happen obviously. As fucked as it i was i knew where i was and what i wanted, things made their own sort of twisted sense. Now i don't know what i want and i've come to the point where i really don't want anything, think i mentioned this last time, that i just wanted to want something. Really it's come to the point that i'm too scared to want anything again. Any time i've thought i've wanted something in the past few years there's always been this voice in the back of my head telling me that it's not right and that it couldn't work, to just give up and i have... But it was just once, once that i put that much effort forth, once that i really tried, once that i've... oh who the fuck am i kidding, the answer is staring me in the face but i'm too chicken shit to really accept it. I think i accept it but the closer it gets to me the more i freak out and realize that it's too much for me... All signs point to no. This way to the egress. I feel like that if it is true that we are here to be tested that i've already failed, if this is a probationary period for souls, or reincarnation is based on our lives here that mine will be thrown on the trash heap of the universe. Or that perhaps this is hell and this is what i deserve. I'm saving up my thoughts for one last effort but if that goes like everything else then i won't know anymore what i could do. This is as open as i've been on here. Each post is becoming more and more confessional, it's building towards something. A crescendo? No, more like a conclusion....
Time just keeps moving. Not only will it not slow down but i am now of the belief that it is going faster and faster everyday. The more i do nothing, the more nothing happens. But that's a seperate problem that is being exacerbated by this time malfunction. But i don't know where to start fixing things and even if i did i wouldn't have the ability to make anything happen. It's sad but i start to look at problems as temporary inconveniences that time will erase for good or bad. Like if i shut my eyes the bad things will go away, and they sorta do. The only problem is i didn't guide myself to where i wanted to be so i'm just being carried along by the wave and when i open my eyes i'm confused and disoriented. Truth is i don't really mind where i'm going, i just have this terrible feeling that something is missing. Last time i made a real decision, oh so many years ago, i did and didn't like the results. I was in a confusing place and always trying to fix it, but i wasn't smart enough to either accept what it was or leave calmly, i was so sure of what i wanted and would accept nothing less than perfection. But that didn't happen obviously. As fucked as it i was i knew where i was and what i wanted, things made their own sort of twisted sense. Now i don't know what i want and i've come to the point where i really don't want anything, think i mentioned this last time, that i just wanted to want something. Really it's come to the point that i'm too scared to want anything again. Any time i've thought i've wanted something in the past few years there's always been this voice in the back of my head telling me that it's not right and that it couldn't work, to just give up and i have... But it was just once, once that i put that much effort forth, once that i really tried, once that i've... oh who the fuck am i kidding, the answer is staring me in the face but i'm too chicken shit to really accept it. I think i accept it but the closer it gets to me the more i freak out and realize that it's too much for me... All signs point to no. This way to the egress. I feel like that if it is true that we are here to be tested that i've already failed, if this is a probationary period for souls, or reincarnation is based on our lives here that mine will be thrown on the trash heap of the universe. Or that perhaps this is hell and this is what i deserve. I'm saving up my thoughts for one last effort but if that goes like everything else then i won't know anymore what i could do. This is as open as i've been on here. Each post is becoming more and more confessional, it's building towards something. A crescendo? No, more like a conclusion....