hickuphelpline

I watched the sets with a Martika/Michael Jackson soundtrack. Toy Soldiers and Heal the World. Celebrity Big Brother is entertaining this year. I am a closet BB fan my closet is huge.

And now.... Drum ROoll Please...



JeanBaptista and WHO HE IS

Anyone who can't wait to see the back of me can thank Voltaire. THANK YOU, FROM ME, THIS OL' KID.
It is time for me to move on to new things.


The literary reference is clearly to 'The Fall', a philosophical piece of literature by Albert Camus that I puzzled me. Clemence Jean-Baptiste is an ill, middle aged man. Every word in the book is spoken by him, therefore it is a monologue. Maybe I could have said that my occupation was 'judge penitant' too.
JeanBaptista is my own creation. JB's my restless conscience. HickupHelpline must then represent my needy side and I use zooshite when I want to appear entirely like someone else.
It is horrific that out there there are people who think that I am a sexist. I can't know what effect my journal or anything else has really had on this community but my intention is ALWAYS to counter these things. I know about learning. It takes more than one impetus to teach some people. Maybe I see problems that aren't there. Where I live women are second class and I do everything that I can all of the time to do something about that. Here it isn't just part of a dope smoking mini-culture. Racism is a problem throughout the world, though beautifully not here. I know people who don't want to believe that that particular problem is worse now that it has been previously. I want to understand what part of my own life contribute to that situation, however slight.
As I've said before, I am a public person. I grew up in a very public way. In real life I am not an attention seeker. When I want to make a point I acquire attention for myself. I am a dead rock star.
Of course there are aspects of my real personality in everything that I write. But I am not JeanBaptista and my friends know that I am not JeanBaptista. I'm not going to define 'friend'.
Where I live women are second class and I do everything that I can all of the time to do something about that. Here it isn't just part of a dope smoking mini-culture.
You might believe that I have severe paranoia. I don't know. I am certain that I have been talked about behind facards, and for a long time. This may or may not be true, I'll leave that up to my listener. That's how much respect I have.
I see this character as the good heart of every rotten person that you have ever known. This isn't bullshit. If you don't believe me then you will just make me stronger and the hype and the memes that surround -this- consciousness will intensify. I want loads of people to comment. I am a fucked up little boy, I need your help because I might die. That's why I came here. Yer, I couldn't find hot naked punk chicks anywhere else on the internet at the time, and I was reeling from the loss of a darkhaired, anorexic mastermind a year ago. Everyone needs to be loved sometimes. I suppose that the best way that you can love some people is to forget about them.

Some people have been doing this kinda stuff on the net for years. I've never posted <successfully> on message boards. I don't have the write kind of ideolect. It sure is rotten that you ostracise someone who doesn't play your game. I just wanted to express myself. For the last week I've been under the complete impression that on UK tv programming is in some way relating to me and what I have written.

http://bigbrother.channel4.com/bigbrother/

SS, yo you better post my poem from the Writers' Guild here because it is the only copy in existence. If I lose that then the two best pieces that i have ever written have vanished (keep an eye out for Arc that i penned in the spring for my college newspaper). 'Arc' is a flamming liberal criticism of teenage pregnancy, marriage, what I sometimes see as a right wing feminine reponse to patriachy. You can't miss it. It's very yellow.




Every time you use a word it has a different meaning
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The title came to me last but as I'm going to try and keep this brief, that is where I will begin.

Keep in mind John Dunn's No Man is an Island poem and think about words. It seems clear to me that no word can ever 'mean' anything unless it is attached to a concept, object, wider reality. Since that, or so perhaps we can presume, "everything is flux" (Heraclitus) I have infered that words must also be changing, as everything else is. In this way a novel will strike every reader differently.
I have for a while now enjoyed writing single words on things. Sometimes my work, sometimes on the arms of chairs in my room. I know that when I do it I am leaving a minute and abstract message contained in the words like 'hooker' and 'run' written without elaboration. Whereas some words that could be written in such a way, for instance 'revolution', might have a striking reading, others do not, indeed they might mean something different to everybody. 'Revolution', though its implications are relatively clear, its specifics in no way are. You may be able to look up the definitions of 'can't', 'tomorrow', 'inadvertently' or 'Queen' but in isolation the words would mean very little, or, if you were so inclined, a lot.
These things might be obvious. What is important is that a word cannot have a fixed meaning or definition. A dictionary will not tell anyone what a word means because what a word means is irremovably tied to the context in which it is used.
What is no straightforward is how we understand anything at all from words if they are constantly changing according to who it is producing and absorbing them. It must be the case that words have consentual meaning of some sort. English words are agreed upon language, or as I once prefered, acknowledged language. Language can be non-linguistic.
For these reasons I think that a word does not either clothe or enact meaning. They surely do not 'enact' because they are reliant on humans for Energy. Without someone there to read them they cannot convey anything to anything else and so are, like all art, in isolation mere dead matter, of less value than even plants. And yet, like an actor, they do carry meaning from one place to another. They are unreliable representatives who often put in a fine performance and sometimes don't. It is down to the skill of the user to manipulate them but also, the ability of the reader or listener. Itself, this fact suggests some sort of mastery of the words over us but that is exactly what I aim to totally dispel.
Words are abstract. That's my bedrock. Words and language are vessels for experience and knowledge shared by a people. The pine tree will always remain a green and brown and grey object that is tall and covered in sharp green leaves to a far great extent than it will ever be a "tree", just as 'green' is more that colour than it is the word and 'sharp' is what we know and fear as being so. The word sharp is a warning sign or an invitation, not a reality. How could it be the threat of sensation itself when the word sharp cannot cut without a blade? That strikes me as being almost illogical. The case if the word 'object' seems less abstract in some sense in that the tree is very much an "object" precisely. The problem is that precisely what makes an object is not a 'precise' evaluation, being a huge definition.
Without linguistic language we could not develop as we have but the danger if there is one is that words become gods. Words like democracy and British represent a threat because people may consider too much what it means to achieve some sort of actualisation of the word and so forget about the Pragmatic world management that they should be doing.

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Is that ^ too much truth? I can't see anything that's up with my logic. That's kinda what is sickening me. I've decided to stop taking those tablets despite their help. My first session with a psychologist is tomorrow evening. Can you believe that, the NHS? I have been on a waiting list for four months. I always wanted to beat this myself, without drugs. I can see them becoming another addiction. By the way, I beat the ganja addiction, tho I still smoke it and it still fucks me up.



Germain Greer is my Current Crush because I wanted to piss her off. I've got photographs which I've not posted but I didn't think that images were relavant to the issue. I want her to wade into the debate and sort out the country where I live before somebody kills me. I want it to be good for everyone whatever that takes. I am just a fucking Che. There are people here who may have felt my anger. NONE OF YOU DESERVE THAT YOU ARE ALL AMAZING, PERFECT, GOOD, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE. Don't take my word for it though because I don't pay attention. I read this like I read literature, ie. extremely selectively. Like skim reading but with a tennis racket.

I wrote what I did about geniuses because we are not appriciate like we should be or were in the 80s and that's because of our open society in which everything is visible and we all live close together. I have ultravision. I can see stuff that some people don't see but I can teach that to people. Capeeechesch?

If you think that I am sexist then you think that someone else who is powerful is sexist. Right?


If you think that I am obnoxious toward people who I don't know then you know that this is happening somewhere else. But here, you all have a right to peace. This activism is all that I can do. It is me. Everyone in my close family is an activist.

I also don't have very many male role models who I might emulate, seen as my grandad (he was a Conservative councellor and he ran a tights factory) died when I was 10 and my father died when I was 15. Yo and I am a dyslexic mofo but y'all better know that one of us rules the world. And ya'll better think about it clearly and stop taking the piss out of spelling mistakes and poor grammer because written language does not come natural to us because we think like cave people apparently.

Back on Feminism... I'm glad that it's coming back. My best friends have always been girls. The person who saved me after my father died was a girl. Boys don't know anything about anything. I hate boys. HhhhhEEEEEERRR



Just so as you know.... on msn I am lovely. I would dearly dearly love to have a few contacts but I am as neurotic as... the best of them? So i'm not going to ask anyone.




"Pete's got it on his back!" Said Kader, who is returning from Thailand at the end of the month, after four months, and after being on the tsunami struck coast with two girls who he is very fond of just two weeks before the castastrophy. This is how it is, returning to the JeanBaptista manifesto. I wanted to take on all of the rottenness in the world. I wanted to flash it in the faces of the Chavs and the gangsters so that they might see it in themselves. Two wishes, (not fantasies) to stop time and to truely see myself. There was another longstanding one about reading minds but I've cracked that.

I'm emptying a savings account at the moment and I'll have the cash soon. I'm going to make a hefty donation. I personally don't want to tart up this intention. Saying that does not make me a good person. I have done a lot of bad stuff, primarilly over sex. That could be just as much about my own socially contructed role as a male as it is about females. I am para about that. I fucked my best friend for years and I have yet to live it down even though it stopped happening at the end of last summer and we haven't had a relapse since.


Lauren, by the way, is the most beautiful girl on the planent. There are many hot girls in Nottingham. I'll find a few that are responsible and see what they think about modeling. Yo, i've done that already, and i've put one off already. I do my bit for this site. I'm just very tired and a little bit ill, like Jean-Baptiste was. And I've heard the laughing down at the canal.