hickuphelpline

I want to know if people on this site have a problem with me. If you do find my posts ignorant or arrogant or whatever, I just don't know, please tell me so that I can try to change. Maybe your attitude has something to do with the way I don't attempt to add people as friends very often. I have been fairly depressed for 18 months and now that I am getting through that I would like to learn what it is about myself that people find PARTICULARLY offensive, if indeed they do because I AM prone to paranoia, so that I don't fall into the pit of despair that I have been in again. Before you let rip I'm going to say this:

I do not, as far as I am aware (and I'm fairly aware) deem myself better than anybody else. I do not have inferiority issues. I do what I do because it makes me happy to do it. If however, what makes me happy makes everyone else unhappy, I will try my hardest to cease such practice. Since I used to march around my garden as a five year old with a plastic sword to see off the deamons of the local children who used to play in it (I lived in a vicarage, it was the biggest house our nieghbourhood with the largest piece of green land besides football fields and the churchyard) I have been defencive. A lot of my behaviour is designed for self-affirmation and to protect myself but to be honest, I don't think I truely need to do that.

Please help me. I'm not trying to get one up on you. I'm trying to make the world a better place. I know some of you are going to think that I am awfully nieve to say that but it's you guys that have the sheltered minds. There have been a lot of good people who have done good things who weren't cultural icons like philosophers and musicians. Maybe no one comes to this page but I have a suspicion that a few actually do. Maybe I'm just wrong and too optimistic. Taking power from an audience is a great thing and one of the beautiful things about this website is that one can imagine one's on spectators.

I guess it would just be nice to have a few people add my ass as a friend every now and then. It hasn't happend in a long time. I don't add people myself because I don't know the proceedure. Perhaps I should post a comment in your journal first, but often I don't feel welcome straight away. Ok, maybe I am anticipating a response that I shouldn't, and that could be because I am an arsehole sometimes, and it might be because YOU are an arsehole sometimes.

goodnight. I'm going now to get high.


p.s. I hate really really hate judgement, (in the Sartrian sense of 'objectifying' a person) and my dyslexia ( and don't forget that everyone's is unique ) can lead me to interprit things rather literally. If I think you are judgemental in your actions you may experience a hateful response from me. I'm sorry for that but just go ahead and improve yourself. Don't be shy.